Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Coop]

How long did it take you to type that one kansaw?

in pelfect engrish to boot!!!

[Kansas]

Boy, last Sunday the Lions sure put the fear of <insert whoever-you-pray-to-when-waiting-for-the-STD-test-results-to-come-back here> in the reigning World Champs for a few minutes, didn?t they?

Well, that is, until the Steelers remembered that, on the Talented NFL Team Evolutionary Scale, they are Homo Erectus and the Lions are still picking lice off each other and throwing their own poop at unsuspecting passersby.

Three straight sacks by the Steelers to seal the game. A very Lion-esque yet stunningly creative new way for them to lose yet another game. It was interesting, however, to see the Lions in that series attempt what I can only assume was a very literal interpretation of the ?Wildcat? offense where the QB is surprised in his natural environment by rapidly approaching humans and then flees in fear for his life in the opposite direction.

It seems fairly obvious that in order to execute the Lions ?Wildcat? properly, the QB must be pretty mobile and able to retreat quickly backwards in the face of an opposing blitz. With that in mind, if Stafford starts against the Packers and is not 100% recovered from his knee injury, then I am looking for them to scrap the ?Wildcat? this week and unleash the next new offense to take the NFL?s crappy teams by storm - the ?Fainting Goat?.

Take that, Green Bay! Can?t hit him when he?s already down, fuckers! Ha Ha Ha!

Speaking of Stafford?s injury, can the beat writers please be allowed to waterboard Schwarz for information? Jeezus, Jim. It?s not like you?re leaking nuclear launch codes or something. We want to know if it?s freakin? serious or not!

?Matthew has a knee. He may or may not play this Sunday.?

Really?

I have a dick. I may or may not have masturbated today in the bathroom stall at work.

Twice.

[Panoptes]

OM<insert whoever-you-pray-to-when-waiting-for-the-STD-test-results-to-come-back here>

I was laughing so hard I cleared my lungs on my screen (home sick right now).

ty

I needed that.

[dsred]

Two classics Kansas.

BTW, what's with the "Ghost Kansas" thing?

[Dan V]

Second that, wadda bout the ghost??

[DanO]

LOL Kansas.

GO LIONS "09" !!!!!!!!!

[CGVT]

Two classics Kansas.

BTW, what's with the "Ghost Kansas" thing?

Second that, wadda bout the ghost??

Brett Favrah signing with the Vikings killed Kansas and now he's a ghost.

[dsred]

Kinda Like Kenny?

[-Deborah-]

Boy, last Sunday the Lions sure put the fear of <insert whoever-you-pray-to-when-waiting-for-the-STD-test-results-to-come-back here> in the reigning World Champs for a few minutes, didn?t they?

Well, that is, until the Steelers remembered that, on the Talented NFL Team Evolutionary Scale, they are Homo Erectus and the Lions are still picking lice off each other and throwing their own poop at unsuspecting passersby.

Three straight sacks by the Steelers to seal the game. A very Lion-esque yet stunningly creative new way for them to lose yet another game. It was interesting, however, to see the Lions in that series attempt what I can only assume was a very literal interpretation of the ?Wildcat? offense where the QB is surprised in his natural environment by rapidly approaching humans and then flees in fear for his life in the opposite direction.

It seems fairly obvious that in order to execute the Lions ?Wildcat? properly, the QB must be pretty mobile and able to retreat quickly backwards in the face of an opposing blitz. With that in mind, if Stafford starts against the Packers and is not 100% recovered from his knee injury, then I am looking for them to scrap the ?Wildcat? this week and unleash the next new offense to take the NFL?s crappy teams by storm - the ?Fainting Goat?.

Take that, Green Bay! Can?t hit him when he?s already down, fuckers! Ha Ha Ha!

Speaking of Stafford?s injury, can the beat writers please be allowed to waterboard Schwarz for information? Jeezus, Jim. It?s not like you?re leaking nuclear launch codes or something. We want to know if it?s freakin? serious or not!

?Matthew has a knee. He may or may not play this Sunday.?

Really?

I have a dick. I may or may not have masturbated today in the bathroom stall at work.

Twice.

Some good stuff in there, K. I particularly liked this one:

Well, that is, until the Steelers remembered that, on the Talented NFL Team Evolutionary Scale, they are Homo Erectus and the Lions are still picking lice off each other and throwing their own poop at unsuspecting passersby.

[Sharkbait]

ANother great read, K.

[Kansas]

A Conversation With My Imaginary Friend Who Is Only Around When I'm High Drunk

This week the Lions travel to the not yet frozen tundra of Lambeau Field to take on Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers in an NFC Nor..........wait. What? He doesn't? No way. Really? When did that happen? Wow. I did not know that.

/wrinkles forehead

Are you sure?

Well, shit. What am I going to do now?

/drums fingers on desk

Um.

/purses lips, rests chin on fist and looks up and to the left - thinking, thinking, thi....

Hmmmmmmm. I mean, I don't even know anybody who plays for the Packers if Brett isn't there anymore. Oh, you do, huh? OK, Mr. Smartypants, who's their quarterback? Aaron Rodgers? Oh, come on. You made that name up. Yeah, sure. And I suppose you spell Rogers with a "d" like Shaun and Charles Rodgers. You do? They didn't? Dude, you're just fucking with me now, aren't you?

OK, so who's their running back? Wait. Lemme guess. Jack Mehoff. Am I right? Who? Ryan Grant? Who the fuck is Ryan Gr..........OK, OK. Heh heh. I see what you're doing. You're just giving me the names of that faggy circle of friends you hang out with. What do you mean? Of course they're gay. You're gay too. Oh yeah? Then why were you bawling and shaking your head up and down in agreement when that tranny on YouTube was screaming, "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!" Huh? 'Splain that. It does too mean you're gay. Does too. Does too. DOES TOO!

No, I don't know what it's like to be a child star with horrible parents and miss out on a normal choldhood and have millions upon millions of dollars and never have any privacy and papparazzi following me day and.......all right, all right, all right! They should leave her alone!

There. Better now?

Let's get back to the game this week, and quit making shit up. Are too. Are too. ARE TOO! Stop it! Dammit! Geezus. And quit stomping your foot. It doesn't help.

OK, I might believe you that Favre no longer plays for the Packers, but I sure thought I would've heard something about it on ESPN. So I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now until I get a chance to Google it.

OK, so what do you know about the Pack's offensive line? They're always good. It's like they have an OL factory up there. They open huge holes, and they pass block like crazy. I mean, Favre had all day back there to..........what? Their OL sucks? Leads the league in sacks allowed?

All right. That's it. Get the fuck out. Now.

[-Deborah-]

Oh how your mind works!!! Sometimes I think you mighta been smoking what this guy was....

[dsred]

Laughing. My. Ass. off.

Classic!

[THE STEE]

Deb that is just so so wrong

[Kansas]

What'd he say? Lions vs. Packers

Every week I'm going to try to go thru the transcripts of Schwartz' press conference and decipher the coach-speak for you. I'm calling it "What'd he say?" The words of our fearless leader will be in bold. My comments.....um.....won't be. Here we go:

"A lot of times you get to the bye week and you like to take a breath and refresh and come back with a clean slate and good frame of mind and make your push for the final 10 games."

Ah, yes. We Lions fans know all about the push for the final 10 games. It feels eerily similar to the kind of push you'd receive during an anal cavity search at the Turkish border. And then the shame sets in.

“We have some urgency.“

Um......Flomax, maybe? Sure. You can tell us about the team's prostate troubles but you treat Stafford's knee injury like it's a matter of National Security.

“When you start 1-5 I don’t think we have time to take a breath.”

Oh. That urgency. My bad.

“We’re going to be on the practice field this week, we’re going to work, we’re going to be in the meeting rooms hard...”

Really? Wow. The one time at work that I went to a meeting room hard, I got fired. And arrested. And sued.

“...the coaches are going to be here late and we’re going to look really hard at our first six games and evaluate how we got to 1-5 and make plans to get out of 1-5. We have 10 games in the season left and we’re going to look real hard at it.“

Well, you don't have to look that hard. A quick perusal would probably suffice.

“When you play golf and you put up a quadruple bogey on one of the holes, you can’t erase it. What you have to do on your next drive is put it in the fairway and keep playing and not let that affect what the rest of your score looks like. That’s where we are right now. We can’t change 1-5, but we can learn from it and we can go forward from it.”

Something tells me our guys would be shitty golfers.

“We have worked the bottom of the roster, we’ve claimed people off of waivers, we’ve made trades, and we’ve done things like that. There’s not a whole lot more that you can do, but we’re certainly open to working different personnel and making sure that the people are accountable for their jobs.”

Ooooo, ooooo! Please tell me there's bus tickets involved! And rock pounding!

“I think there are bad times for a bye. Sometimes if you’re on a roll, say you won three or four games in a row and you’re healthy and you like that momentum that you have, a bye can derail that a little bit. “

Yes, yes. You are exactly right, coach. Why, I remember back in the 20th century one time when that damn bye derailed our momentum. The rules committe needs to address this, ASAP.

“There are other times that you’ve been struggling and you have a win and having a bye the win feels like two weeks in a row that you’ve won."

Ummmm, that was close. We're real familiar with the "struggling" part but....um.......do you have any other "other times"?

"There are other times that you have injuries and you can use it to get guys back on the field. I think it’s definitely a good week for a bye for us.”

Ah. Bingo.

“I don’t know if (Stafford) will be (on the field) this week, I don’t know if that will be next week, I don’t know if it will be the week after... “

“Why do you reporters keep asking me about him? Don't you guys know Al Queda is listening?”

“...but, as soon as he’s ready and he’s able to get out there we’ll get him back on the practice field. He’s doing everything he can to get back and we’re doing everything we can to get him back and that’s the philosophy we’ll take with it.”

/Breaks out Lions Decoder Machine.
//Decodes above quote
Holy shit! Matt's offensive readiness condition is now at OFFCON 4! OFFCON 4, people! His knee is totally fucked up! When we reach OFFCON 5 we're starting Stanton for the rest of the season! AGGGHHHHHH! Save yourselves! Become a Saints fan!

“I had initially scheduled a practice for Wednesday, but I think we’re going to have an hour-and-a-half walk-through instead because I don’t think we’re going to be in a position that we can have enough bodies on the practice field to actually do a practice.”

So it will be just like a game.

“We’re not going to do any Rams stuff this week. We’ve made a big point that this week is about us. This week is about improving us and looking at what we’ve done and finding ways to correct what we’ve done and look at our personnel and look at our situation and not introducing the Rams into that equation. Coaches will actually be working on Rams stuff and getting ready for the game plan, but we’re not talking to the players at all about the Rams this week.”

“Because we don't want to bring up the shitstorm that would swirl over the organization if the players should manage to lose the Rams. Thus, we're not talking about them this week.”

“We need treatments, we need rehab, get injured players back, we need walk-through sessions to put some mental mistakes behind us...”

You need golfers. I hear Tiger works out.

“...we need time for the staff to try to evaluate where we’ve gone wrong, where we’ve done well and to get a good blue print for moving forward for the final 10 games.”

Does this blue print involve going all Raider coach on Stan Kwan?

“(I’m) optimistic that we’ll be at full strength (after the buy). The injuries that I have labeled significant have been guys that have gone to the injured/reserve."

"These injuries have been cleared for dissemination to the press by Homeland Security."

"The injuries that we have are short term. Now short term may mean that they’re back on the practice field this week. It may mean that they have two or three more weeks, but they’re all in that sort of time frame.”

/Breaks out Lions Decoder Machine.
//Decodes above quote
Oh shit. You don’t even want to know.

“We were poor in all three phases in this game. Some of the games you could point to a good first half against Minnesota, or we did this against somebody else, or in Chicago we did this, and you could point to the very specific points in the game where we let the game get away from us. This game was quadruple bogey. You hit a bad drive, you put your next one in the woods, you missed a putt, you did everything bad on that hole. We have to move on from it. There weren’t a whole lot of positives.”

Damn you, Mayhew! Are there no golfers on the waiver wire?!? They're the only ones who understand.

"Every Sunday we’re going to do what we can to win the game."

You mean, within the rules, right? Cuz I'm thinking hand grenades and flame throwers right now.

"We need to do better (on kick coverage) and there’s combinations there between the kicker and just kickoff coverage, it’s the same thing, it’s kicker, it’s coverage, it’s finishing the play. It’s getting off blocks and it’s actually making the tackle."

It's fucking embarrassing. It's ridiculous. It's getting off your ass during a meeting and throwing Kwan's head into some furniture. I'll send bail money.