Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Kansas]

I got nothin'. A real craptastic week at work. Hopefully I can make fun of the Browns next week. So, all I can say is.....

GO LIONS!!!

[Newbomb Turk]

not likely......

[Kansas]

It's 3 PM. Martin Mayhew and Jim Schwartz walk into Ford Sr.'s office.

Ford: Well hi, fellas! What a pleasant surprise! I don't get too many visitors. Sit. Sit. Can I get you anything? Oatmeal? Lime jello? Apple sauce? Dog food?

Mayhew/Schwartz <at the same time>: No, no...just ate...I'm fine...big meal at lunch...couldn't eat another bite...tryin' to drop a few a pounds.

Ford: Fine. Fine. So, what can I do ya for?

Mayhew: Um, sir, you called this meeting.

Ford: Did I?

Mayhew: Yes, sir.

Ford: Well, it must've been important. <hits intercom button on phone> Darlene? It's me. Mr. um....uh...dangit...um...

Darlene: Ford.

Ford: Ford.

Darlene: I know, sir.

Ford: Darlene, apparently I scheduled a meeting with uh...uh...two guys.

Darlene: Mr. Mayhew and Mr. Schwartz.

Ford: No, no, no. Not them. I'm talkin' about the fellas that are here in my office right now. <leans closer to speaker - whispers> One of 'em's colored. Alert security.

Darlene: Yes, sir. But the two gentlemen in your office are Mr. Mayhew and Mr. Schwartz.

Ford: Oh. Um................Ix-nay on the ecurity-say.

Darlene: Yes, sir.

Ford: Do you know what this meeting was supposed to be about?

Darlene: I'm sure it was about the Lions, sir.

Ford: Ah, yes. The Lions. Thanks, Carmine.

Darlene: Darlene.

Ford: Well, I think you're a darlin' too. Bye now. <turns off intercom> So, fellas, I called a meeting about the Lions. What did I want to talk about?

Mayhew: Sir, I'm sure it was to discuss this season and what our future plans are to turn this team into a perennial contender.

Ford: Gee, that sounds important. I remember when my wife tore her perennial givin' birth to Billy, Jr. It was pretty tender too, as I recall. She was definitely on the PUP list for a few weeks, if ya know what I mean. <winks>

Mayhew: Yes, sir. Um, Jim and I would first like to discuss the players on the team. Who we like, where we have weaknesses, and what we're targeting in the draft and free agency.

Ford: Sounds complicated. Please continue while I play with this shiny thing on my desk.

Schwartz: First of all, We had several injuries at some very key positions. At the end of the season we had Stafford, Peterman, Kevin Smith and Pettigrew all on the injured list. Stafford with a shoulder and the others with knees.

Ford: <looks up from shiny thing> And on the dead list - Daunte Culpepper with a career. Zing! Hey Ho! Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny! <goes back to playing with shiny thing>

Mayhew: <exchanges glances with Schwartz> Yes, sir. Obviously backup quarterback is something we would look to upgrade in free agency.

Schwartz: Stafford should return to camp healthy, but we're tentatively hopeful on the others returning. We've gone over the film and graded all the players for next season. As far as our starters, we feel comfortable with our quarterback and also with Backus at left tackle, Raiola at center, Felton at fullback, Calvin John...

Ford: <looks up from shing thing> Felton? I love that guy! Reminds me a lot of that other fullback we had a few years ago, ol' whatsisname. <stands - walks over to window>

Mayhew: Cory Schlesinger.

Ford: <looks out window - clasps hands behind back - thinking> No, not him. It was a white guy. From the midwest. Broke his facemasks all the time. Just retired a few years ago. Can't recall his name right now, but that's who Felton reminds me of. Except, of course, he's colored.

Schwartz: Sir, um, that word is no longer accept...

Ford: Not that there's anything wrong with that. Whatever color he wants to be in the privacy of his own home is OK by me. Don't ask, don't tell is my motto. Live and let live. To each his own. Honesty is the best policy. The truth shall set you free. Whatever happens in Vegas...

Schwartz: <looks at Mayhew> We're done here, right?

Mayhew: Absolutely. Thank you for your time, Mr. Ford.

<They get up and leave the office>

Ford: stays in Vegas. Mi casa es su casa. That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. Life is like a box of choco.......Tom Nowatzke! <turns and runs after Schwartz and Mayhew> The fullback! It was Tom Nowatzke!

[Malto Marko]

LOL!

Pretty close to the way SR. pays attention.

[Panoptes]

<bump hint>

[Coop]

whereforth art thou, kansaw?

[Sharkbait]

I think I saw a running dog yesterday.

[Kansas]

What's up, freaks? Did I miss anything? Sex addiction rehab is a bitch.

[Newbomb Turk]

What's up, freaks? Did I miss anything? Sex addiction rehab is a bitch.

tennis elbow again ?

[Panoptes]

freaking waiting for a new rant

[Kansas]

tennis elbow again ?

Carpal tunnel.

[Sharkbait]

Nice comeback, Kansas.

[Newbomb Turk]

Carpal tunnel.

tweezer envy

[Malto Marko]

Comin to the Forum game this year, Kansas?

[Coop]

INDEED - your presence is REQUIRED kansaw...NO excuses..