Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[DanO]

It was about the most exciting thing I ever listened to besides my girlfriends first orgasim.---------------------I didn't know you were into watching.

GO LIONS "05" !!!

[-Deborah-]

lol!

[The Cat]

Daytona, As I recall, you knew who Morrall threw to in that Baltimore comeback...Still have that name on the tips of your fingers?
As far as playing for the love it you are absolutely right. You and I must ben about the same age...Were you at the 53 game as well?

[Kansas]

Wow. If there is anything uglier than the Lions? offense, I?ve probably slept with it. Marriuci?s version of the West Coast Offense has the aesthetic appeal of an Ernest Borgnine bust sculpted from Aaron Gibson?s shit. After games now, I have this overwhelming urge to chew my own arm off.

I tried watching last week?s game with a paper sack over my head while the offense was on the field. Unfortunately, I couldn?t help myself and finally punched a couple of eye holes in it. A critical mistake. This not only allowed me to see the offense, it also allowed an access point for life-giving oxygen.

Note to self: This Sunday - use plastic bag; no holes.

As incredible as it sounds, the Lions have been forced to burn timeouts or take delay-of-game penalties because ?genius? Ted Tollner can?t seem to get a play called on time. Ted, there are only five plays to choose from with the most popular one being ?Three step drop and run for your life." You should be able to get a play in on time using smoke signals - carrier pigeons - two Dixie cups and a string - ?one ping, and one ping only? from the Red October ? anything, really, would work.

Seriously, in this offense, any play that takes longer than two seconds to call should be so utterly beautiful in its design and so awe inspiring that it would make the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel look like a kindergartner?s first water color. Instead, Tollner and Mooch wrack their collective brain to give us such jaw dropping results as three consecutive completed passes netting a grand total of 6 freaking yards. That, my friends, is the football equivalent of Ralphie May doing Aretha Franklin doggie-style. Possible? Um?.no?.I mean, yeah............well..............yeah???..I think. Improbable? Absolutely.

As bad as this offense is, the Lions are only a few plays away from being 6-1 and could have still been in 1st place in the NFC by beating the Bears and their rookie quarterback. It didn?t help, really, that Mooch?s handpicked General let fly the most bone-headed throw in overtime since Scottie Mitchell breathed Silverdome air through his blowhole. But you do have to give Jeff Garcia some credit for his toughness. Chicago?s Tommie Harris hit Garcia so hard that he looked like an unbuckled passenger of a spaceship jumping to hyperspace. After a hit like that, any other self-respecting closet homosexual who dates supermodels would?ve taken his ball and gone home. But not Jeff. He bounced right up and merely shook his head to ?clear the cobwebs.? Personally, I think he was shaking his head to get his brain unstuck from the front of his skull. Before his next start, team doctors will shoot up Garcia?s leg and ankle with cortisone and line the interior of his cranium with a fine mist of Pam vegetable cooking spray.

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[Panoptes]

OMG I was laughing so hard while reading this one.

Thx for the TGIF laugh off.

I needed it.

[Daytona John]

ROFLMAO Great stuff Kansas!

[Malto Marko]

Ralphie May doin Aretha, a visual born at KFC!

Good job again, Kansaw.

[SeattleLionsFan]

Funny as usual Kansy!

btw, I can't believe how much of a free pass Garcia got for that "intentional grounding." That was the dumbest shit I've ever seen...and I've seen some dumb shit.

[YT]

LOL Kansas!

My Dad just yelled upstairs to ask what the hell was so funny....

I had to read him your post.....

It was so funny, he went into cardiac arrest. Paramedics are downstairs trying to revive him as I type this....

[Panoptes]

Funny as usual Kansy!

btw, I can't believe how much of a free pass Garcia got for that "intentional grounding." That was the dumbest shit I've ever seen...and I've seen some dumb shit.

SLF,

If it wasn't for JEFFRIES excellent pocket presence, some of us would have actually made more of that ill-conceived, piss poor decision.

[-Deborah-]

Note to self: This Sunday - use plastic bag; no holes.

lol! Ah, the pain of being a Lions fan.

[Newbomb Turk]

How'd that air lock/paper bag work out for you yesterday, Kansas ??

Kansas ??

Kansas ??

Holy shit ! His head is the same odd blue color as his balls.........

quick, put some shorts on him and call a doctor !

[chemiclord]

After games now, I have this overwhelming urge to chew my own arm off.

Love the obscure Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reference. Truly did. You are a man with a keen eye towards masterful satire.

[Kansas]

I'm actually reading that book right now...............for the 3rd time. Absolutely hysterical stuff in there.

[dwt1]

SLF,

If it wasn't for JEFFRIES excellent pocket presence, some of us would have actually made more of that ill-conceived, piss poor decision.

There's only one thing funnier than that, Joey Fucking Harrington running the ball down two scores and no time outs late in the 4th quarter. What fucking game presence.