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Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

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  • Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

    This thread is a must for Lions fans everywhere.
    SHOW me. Don't TELL me. Still waiting....
    Play stupid games ...Win stupid prizes

  • #2
    We really need to get some of Kansas' best posts here, such as his interview with God, The gamecocks article, etc.


    • #3
      Originally posted by Dan V
      We really need to get some of Kansas' best posts here, such as his interview with God, The gamecocks article, etc.
      GO COCKS!!

      GO LIONS "04" !!!
      GO LIONS "19" !!

      Take us to the promised land Matthew.


      • #4
        The inteview with God is the all-time best post EVER!


        • #5
          It is one of the all time funny things I've read...
          To be a professional means that you don't die. - Takeru "the Tsunami" Kobayashi


          • #6
            Feel free to copy a favorite over...
            Dogs rule.


            • #7
              These need to be preserved. Here is a start.

              by Kansas.....


              • #8
                that is some great stuff
                "Donít worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright. - Bob Marley "


                • #9
                  Oh, come on. If you’re reading this, you knew it. You may not have said it openly. In fact, you may have tried to suppress it……… a fart in a crowded airplane. But you knew. You knew way down deep in your Honolulu Blue belly that there was no earthly way they were going to make that extra point. The ones that didn’t know it saw that snap bouncing along the turf and may have managed an “I’m comin’, Elizabaeth!” before their hearts exploded, sending them to a blissful, eternal sleep free from the shackles of agony and despair of Lions fandom. Those lucky bastards.

                  But none of us……………NONE OF US……………would still be alive and kicking if that was the final play of the Super Bowl. But, all of you still with me know that that is exactly how a Super Bowl would unfold if…………..IF………….the Lions ever get there. A missed field goal, a botched extra point, a kickoff return in overtime, an interception on the game winning drive……….in the endzone………..when we’re down by two……………at our opponents’ 5………………with 10 seconds left in the game. THAT, my dear friends, is our destiny. Nothing good will ever happen to us. I’m starting to feel like a starving Ethiopian and having Sam Kennison screaming in my ear, “IT’S THE FRIGGIN” DESERT!! IT WILL ALWAYS BE THE DESERT!! MOVE!! PACK YOUR STUFF UP AND MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!” The Lions are our Sahara…………………..and we don’t have a U-Haul.

                  Don’t believe me? OK.

                  For the second time in his career, Joey actually threw for over 300 yards. An event so rare that ancient Mayan prophecy foretells that something that unlikely occurring twice would trigger the cataclysmic battle between the forces of Quetzalcoatl and the spirit demons of Xibalba which, of course, causes the entire planet to be covered in a gradually rising “lake of fire” resulting in the terrible, slow, agonizing deaths of all life as we know it.

                  Gee thanks, Joey. Poor kid can’t do anything right. I don’t know about you, but when faced with being slowly burned to death from the feet up…………um, well………….5 of 22 for 47 yards is a damn good outing.

                  On the other hand, after watching our Safeties play defense, burning slowly to death from the feet up might actually be a welcome relief. Either that or smearing Smuckers all over my eyelids and being staked down on top of a fire ant hill. Helen Keller just had to be a Lions fan. It’s the only possible way to enjoy them. Blind, deaf, dumb…………and stupid wouldn’t hurt either. Lesseee. Third and 24. On the Vike 18 yard line. Daunte Culpepper. Randy Moss. Hmmmmmm……….what’s the one thing that Brock Marion and Bracy Walker absolutely can NOT let happen? I would give them a clue, but I don’t think they could get a clue if I gave them a wheelbarrow full of money, doused them with cologne that was irresistible to clues, and then gave them very clear and precise directions to the clue red light district.

                  And what is the deal with Dick Jauron not playing Terrence Holt? I mean, with our Safeties that’s like having Kukulcan on the bench when you’re playing the spirit demons of Xibalba!!! It’s just crazy!! Seriously, does Jauron have a nappy-haired kid with brown eyes and Holt’s DNA structure?!? If not, he needs a Bracy enema cuz he’s lodged up in there pretty tight.

                  I’ve almost had it. Not quite, but almost. And if this really is our destiny……………I mean………………come on, destiny. Throw us a friggin’ bone here.
                  It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.


                  • #10
                    OK, the next few posts are some of my own favorites. They're the only ones I thought were remotely funny.
                    It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.


                    • #11
                      Mullet Haiku


                      Shampoo stings my eyes,
                      I will never feel that twice:
                      slick hair smells like gas

                      O! SQUIRREL, brother,
                      Your tail, my hair We are one
                      Yet I must eat you

                      Razor set to one
                      Do front and sides and then stop
                      Reaffirm my style

                      Short like my schooling
                      Long like my prison sentence
                      The penal haircut

                      I liked that foreign
                      legion movie so much, I
                      grew me one them hats

                      Short in front for dad
                      Long for the daughter mom wants
                      Everyone's happy

                      Ponytails are for wimps
                      But if you let that hair loose
                      You are my brother

                      My hair: slammin like
                      Stone Cold. Can I get a Hell yeah!
                      Hell yeah! Hell yeah! <burp>

                      Bald on the top and
                      long on the back, behold my
                      glorious skullet

                      Brown edged tank top sticks
                      to my white clumpy armpits
                      Somehow I get laid

                      You smoke me up and
                      jerk me off. You are the best
                      And I love you, sis

                      My uncle is my dad
                      My brother married my niece
                      Mullet family tree

                      With long hair in place
                      I am ready to party
                      Pass the bong, uncle

                      Under the Christmas tree
                      Tight black jeans and a comb
                      I've been extra good

                      New white tank top tucks
                      Neatly into tight black jeans
                      Redneck romeo

                      I sing and I dance
                      And I still have hockey hair
                      I am Menudo

                      Lynyrd Skynyrd didn't
                      win no spelling bees Who cares?
                      They rock the trailer

                      Teen runaway
                      I hate my dad, yet I am one.
                      Fly, thunderbird, fly

                      Metallica is
                      for first graders Nothing rocks
                      harder than Winger

                      Dogs urinate where
                      they so choose And so do I
                      Red and blue lights flash

                      This super cool hair
                      and a bucket of chicken:
                      What more could I want?
                      It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.


                      • #12
                        Edited Sep 2, 2003 3:39 pm
                        Season Preview

                        Well, this is it. This is the time of year that Lions fans everywhere breathlessly anticipate the upcoming football season. And I would ask, like many of you, WHY? WHY? WHY? But we all know the answer, don’t we? Because a season of Lions football is like a long, wet, nationally televised Al and Tipper kiss. It’s like a 45-year continuous loop of the Zapruder film with the Lions never inching forward, but unerringly moving back and to the left.....back and to the left.....back and to the left. You want to look away. You really do. You don’t want to watch the horror unfolding before your very eyes. You want to clamp your hand over the eyes of your children before they too are forever emotionally scarred. But you don’t. You can’t! You can’t turn away any more than you could turn away from an impending train wreck. For we, my friends, are Charlie Brown. Forever kicking at that damn ball and always having it pulled away as we fall on our ass. Forever throwing our best fastball and always ending up lying on the mound in nothing but our boxers....or, for our lady readers, our panties......or, for Romster, our strawberry-flavored edibles. I’m pretty much numb to it by now, but I hope none of you younger Lions fans are too distraught because, you see, this is the lot you have chosen.

                        As a Lions fan, you must understand that this, right here, is as good as it gets. You think 45 years is a long time without a championship?? Ask a Red Sox fan if 45 years is a long time. We can’t beat fate, and fate can be a mean, mean bitch. And fate’s got it in for us. Somewhere along the line, somebody got something they didn't deserve, and took all the karma with them. And I'm guessing that somebody is Tony Danza, and's all coming back on us. The sooner you face it, the less painful it’ll be next time. Here’s an example. Dre’ Bly hasn’t missed a football game since the invention of light beer, yet he puts on a Lions uniform and suddenly he’s Brian Williams with a calcium deficiency. And then, Coach Marriucci has to protect him like he’s Saddam. He’s got people taste-testing his food for poison; he’s moving him from safe house to safe house; he makes sure Dre’ never sleeps more than once in the same bed in the same location. And this is a mediocre cornerback! Mooch loses one more of those guys and the next thing you know Todd Lyght’s phone is ringing, begging him to come back and get burned. Eric Davis anyone?

                        Yeah, yeah, “hope springs eternal”, and “we’re just a few players away”, and “we just need to tweak some things”, yada, yada, yada. Whoever says that needs to immediately leaf through the Lions merchandise catalogue and order the Lions decoder ring. Only then will you discover the true meaning behind those phrases. For some really good laughs, decode “bar is high” and “win now”.

                        Let’s face it. We need a miracle here, folks. We need the equivalent of an OJ acquittal. We need something along the lines of Kobe’s charges being reduced from anal rape to “following too close.” Hiring Mariucci is definitely a step in the right direction, but even he can’t stem the tide of destiny. Mooch has been very reserved in his comments to the media about the expectations of the upcoming season. You know why? Because you can’t chocolate-cover a turd and call it a Baby Ruth. He’s been singing the praises of this football team like Ozzie Osbourne in the seventh inning of a Cubs game.

                        So where does that leave us.....the fans? I’ll tell you. We’re screwed. We’re screwed for another year. We can’t compete with the injuries. Now Stewart’s out for the year, and we can’t even begin to defeat the same old story of the depth of our secondary. If the story of our secondary were a book in the Bible, we’d be pre-Genesis. And to top it all off, we don’t even have a gravy schedule after two seasons with just five wins! The AFC West? St. Louis? San Francisco? Green Bay and Minnesota twice? Please. Custer stood a better chance. I’m an old, tired, bitter Lions fan. I won’t believe anything from these guys until I see it on the field.
                        It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.


                        • #13
                          Sep 4, 2003 10:01 am
                          Lions sign corner – add depth

                          Detroit (AP) – Continuing to add depth to their depleted secondary, the Lions announced the signing of veteran actor Abe Vigoda. Financial details of the contract were unavailable, but the length of the contract is reportedly for ten years.

                          Vigoda worked out for the Lions on Monday and impressed President Matt Millen and head coach Steve Mariucci with a wind-aided 40 time of 1:34.6 and his ability to jam receivers at the line of scrimmage with his walker. "Obviously, we like his speed and aggressiveness. He ran pretty well for us, but that was in his Bermudas, black socks, sandals, and a sweater. Plus, there was a pretty brisk south wind blowing so he might be a couple of tenths slower. But still, that's a darn good time. As you know, we won’t really be able to determine his real football speed until we get the pads on him and get him out there with the rest of the guys, but so far we're really excited about him."

                          Although out of football since his senior year in 1938 at Sisters of Mercy Catholic High School in New York where he earned "Most Likely To Go Unmarried" honors, Vigoda has spent the last seven years preparing his mind and body for the grueling sixteen game NFL schedule. Training at the exclusive Pleasant Valley Senior Nursing Facility in Beverly Hills, Vigoda followed a strict diet regimen of lime jello and applesauce that reduced his body fat to a mere 46 percent and sculpted his 5’6" hunched over frame into a svelte 103 lbs. of bone and dermal tissue.

                          "Honestly, we liked Abe for several reasons. First of all, he was available. Secondly, we like the veteran experience he provides and we think he can help mentor the younger guys on the team like he did the young cops on Barney Miller. And lastly, we like his durability. I mean, seriously, I thought he died like 20 years ago", Marriucci said laughing. "It’s that kind of physical toughness that sort of drew us to him and will make him an invaluable asset to this football team, and that’s the reason we rewarded him with the ten year contract."

                          Although the Lions signed Vigoda, they are still interested in signing another cornerback for added insurance and depth. According to Millen, the Lions will be combing the waiver wire and cut lists, especially since negotiations ended with the untimely and unfortunate death of free agent cornerback Bob Hope. Sources within the organization report that the Lions are extremely interested in Kirk Douglas, Rodney Dangerfield, and, in an apparent youth movement, Michael J. Fox.
                          It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.


                          • #14
                            Dec 12, 2001 10:54 am

                            Postgame Commentary – Lions vs. Bucs

                            After watching the Lions, you kinda get the feeling that they’d figure out a way to lose a pie-eating contest to Karen Carpenter. Just when you think you’ve seen it all, the Lions let one of the league’s worst offenses march down the field and score the game winning touchdown.

                            I don’t know what he was thinking, but Vince Tobin got the crazy idea that dropping eight of our guys into coverage could somehow prevent five of their guys from catching a pass. What team has he been coaching all year? Our defense has the killer instinct of Barney Fife who left his bullet at home.

                            This whole year has been crazy. The Lions can’t win, Peyton Manning sucks, Beano Cook has turned into Jabba the Hutt, Afghan children are listening to ZZ Top – it’s totally nuts! But the nuttiest thing I’ve seen was Tobin substituting players while the Bucs were in their hurry-up offense. Even Ronald Reagan snapped back to reality long enough to mutter, "Nancy, honey. Better send that Tobin fella some literature."

                            Speaking of our defense, some day I’m gonna be farting dust, reading the Bible, cramming for finals, and I’ll still be laughing at Todd Lyght’s atttempt to tackle Alstott. He looked like somebody just pushed him in front of a subway. The last time I saw someone do something that reluctantly was when Lisa Marie Presley kissed Michael Jackson onstage at the MTV Music Awards.

                            On offense, McMahon played OK. Very impressed with his mobility and ability to throw on the run. He still takes off running like a Taliban hearing jet engines, but he did seem a little more poised than before.

                            Ya know, I’ve almost come to embrace the losing streak. In fact, I’ve already endured the wise cracks, the Lions jokes, the humiliation. But now, people see me in my Lion gear and actually are taking pity on me, like I’m Christopher Reeve stuck in a snow bank.

                            "Oh, look dear. There’s a poor Lions fan. Isn’t that just the saddest thing you’ve ever seen? Go give him a couple of dollars."

                            "Ummmm............Margaret. It’s not like he’s homeless or something. He’s just a fan of the best worst football team in NFL history. Or maybe it’s the worst best - I’m not sure."

                            "You’re right. Maybe we should just adopt him."

                            See? The country pities us. Now is the time to make our mark in the record books. The absolute worst thing that can happen now is the Lions completely melting down and winning a couple of games. They must keep the streak alive. Going O-fer would make all the other ignominious Lions records merely footnotes in the annals of ineptitude. This record is the Holy Grail. This record could be our very own Vince Lombardi Trophy of futility. This record could be something that no other fan from any other team can lay claim to - something that will forever erase the memories of four decades of humdrum mediocrity – something that epitomizes an organization that for so long refused to win yet somehow managed not to lose – something that would finally put us on the map like no 8-8 season could ever do - something that will finally make you stand up and yell, "I’M A LIONS FAN AND I’M DAMNED ASHAMED OF IT!!"

                            Just think – only four more single digit losses and we’re guaranteed a spot in history as the best most horrible team ever! That’s not’s immortality!
                            It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.


                            • #15
                              May 24, 2002 11:05 am

                              Post-draft Commentary

                              With Joey Harrington as the first pick, the Lions have all but guaranteed themselves a quarterback controversy the likes of which have not been seen since Rusty Hilger out dueled Chuck Long for the starting nod in 1988. Matt Millen was so proud of the pick he looked like he was announcing his daughter’s engagement to Emo Phillips.

                              Millen really cracks me up. I like the guy, and I like what he’s doing with the franchise, but he handles situations the same way Robert Blake resolves marital problems. I now actually believe the reports of Barry Sanders’ wife being scared to death when Millen came to their house. He and Marty probably came through the door like Butch and Sundance charging out of the stable to face the Bolivian army.

                              "All right, lady!!! Where is he?!?"

                              "SCREAM!!!!! Who are you and what do you want??"

                              "Shut up! Marty, keep an eye on her while I search the house. If she moves, then..................uhhhhh..................thro w your sunglasses on the ground so she knows you mean business."

                              "Sure thing, Boss. Hey, can I make me a sandwich? That was a long bike ride and I already burned up that triple banana split from the DQ just from walking up the sidewalk."

                              "Yeah, sure, Jared. Go ahead and make a sandwich. Now just watch her while I look for Barry. If I’m not back in 5 minutes, assume the worst and sign Lamont Warren."

                              Speaking of Marty, he knows about as much of what’s going on around him as Ronald Reagan during one of his "clear" spells. It’s like, "Whoa! Where the hell am I and why am I wearing this bib?" Just like the whole Johnny Morton episode. "We would absolutely not do that (release him). We would like to re-sign him, extend him, those types of things." You mean, those types of things like...................release him? "Quick, Matt! Get him up to speed on the Morton situation before he lapses back into.................ah, dammit. Too late."

                     him | extend him | release him............I’m thinkin’ Marty wasn’t much of a Sesame Street watcher as a kid, cuz one of those things don’t belong with the others. It’s either that or Marty McFly jumped in the Delorean, sped into the future, screwed with the space/time continuum, came back, showed Mornhinweg a 2004 Sports Illustrated with Super Bowl MVP Bill Schroeder on the cover, and BAM!.............Morton’s toast. Mmmmmm.....................nah. The clueless theory holds more water.

                              So we got us a tyrannical GM and a confused, out-of-the-loop head coach. What’s not to love? So far, their draft has looked good and their FA period has been OK, but we still need some solid help on the OL since Bryan Robinson’s dog could get the starting nod at LG. I mean, the only guy who ever tripped over Semple was Herman. OK, OK. That’s not true and it’s probably not fair to Semple to.....................well, wait a minute. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm, no. Now that I think about, that is true.
                              It's so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days.