Joke Thread

[Sharkbait]

Liked 'em both, Marko.

[YT]

Johnny, who is in the 5th grade, comes home from school & tells his Mom that he was taking a leak earlier in the day @ school and noticed his wanker was longer than the boy who was peeing next to him.

He asks his Mom if it's because he's a Scotsman.

Mom says no, it's because he's 21

[CGVT]

http://i.imgur.com/EtJctHU.gif

[Marko69]

Paddy says to Murphy 'My mate came off his motorbike today'.
'Oh really?' Says Murphy
'Yes' Paddy answers 'He has brain damage, 2 broken arms and is blind in one eye!'
Murphy says ' Fuckin Hell, no wonder he came off.

[Marko69]

Sailing results are in:
USA took gold,
GB took silver,
and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Nottingham.

[dsred]

Groan.

[The Ken]

I have heard many variations of this joke but it is a classic:


A guy was in a bathroom and a short little man wearing green and talking with an Irish accent spoke to him saying, "I'm a leprechaun, and I'll grant you 3 wishes if you grant me one." The guy was a bit amazed. The little man went on, "Don't ya see?...I'm a leprechaun. I'm short, Irish, dressed in green. Don't you want those wishes?"
The man thought for a moment and then asked for 10 million dollars, all the women he could ever want, and a mansion.
The little man said, "OK, you can have all those if you give me my wish. I want to fuck you in the ass!"
The guy was astounded and blurted, "What?"
The little man repeats, "You heard me: I want to fuck you in the ass. Do ya want those 3 wishes in trade fer my one or not?"
The guy finally drops his pants and the little man begins. Amid the groaning the little man says, "Now how old be you?"
The guy replies, "42."
And the little man says, "42 years old and ya still believe in leprechauns!."

[Marko69]

Groan.

Come on! I gave you the fkn gold, Ffs!

[Sharkbait]

Some people just don't look at the whole picture, Marko.

[Sharkbait]

Had to .....

[DeanUK]

[Marko69]

Little Tim: Mummy, where do babies come from?
Mum: Timmy, mummy and daddy cuddle, daddies poody goes into mummy's foo foo and we get babies. You'll learn this at school.
Little Timmy: Oh. Right ok then. The other night I saw that daddy had his poody in your mouth? What do you get from that?
Mum: Jewellry, darling. Jewellry.

[Marko69]

Long joke......, some may think it's worth it, some may not. Always been a favourite of mine. My late grandad told me this. I'll try cut it down a bit. Maybe some of you will have heard different variations of it.

Scotsman and Norweigian go for a job on a ship. At the interview;

Captain, (to Norweigian) : you sailed before?
Norweigian: oh yes.
Cap: Ok, be here at 5pm. That's when we set sail.
Cap: (to Scotsman) you sailed before?
Scotsman: oh aye man, definitely.
Cap: where?
Scots: everywhere.
Cap: get seasick?
Scots: No
Cap: homesick?
Scots: no.
Cap: Ok, be here at 5, we set off then.
Scots: Why the hundred questions for me? You only asked the Norweigian one question?
Cap: he's got an honest face. You don't!

5pm arrives and they set sail. Several hours later they are out on the high seas in a big storm. The Norwegian is out scrubbing decks and a huge wave sends him overboard. The Scotsman sees this, and Frantically runs to the captains door. He pounds on the door.....
Captain: What is it?
Scots: captain, captain......, the Norweigian.......,
Captain: yes,
Scots: the....., one with the..... Honest face.
Captain: Yes, yes, what about him?
Scots: He just fucked off with your brush.

[CGVT]

Ha!

[dsred]

Little Tim: Mummy, where do babies come from?
Mum: Timmy, mummy and daddy cuddle, daddies poody goes into mummy's foo foo and we get babies. You'll learn this at school.
Little Timmy: Oh. Right ok then. The other night I saw that daddy had his poody in your mouth? What do you get from that?
Mum: Jewellry, darling. Jewellry.

Yep. She might get a "pearl necklace".