Joke Thread

[Marko69]

An Irishman goes to the doctors for a check up. During his routine medical check Paddy asks the doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it.” said the doctor, “Mercury is in Uranus right now."
Paddy said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
"Neither do I normally " replied the doctor, "but my thermometer just snapped in your arse.”

[Malto Marko]

This is complements of Lee Gaus via facebook.

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an
Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas
somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

[Panoptes]

Acquired from a Chiefs forum:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

[Marko69]

LMAO @ last two jokes. Especially the plane crash. God, my wife would kick my a$$ if she knew I laughed at that stuff!

[Dan V]

A family heads out west towards the Grand Canyon . As they get closer, they notice a classic tourist trap sign saying meet the Indian with the world’s greatest memory, only a dollar. As they get closer and closer to his exit, the wife and kids decide it would be a good place to take a bathroom break and check out the chief.
Finally, after waiting in line for several minutes, the father pays his dollar, climbs into a huge teepee and is face- to- face with an intense, intimidating chief staring at him.
The father forgets what he was going to ask so he makes up a random question on the fly.

”What did you eat for breakfast on June 8, 1973?”, asks the dad.
The Proud warrior scratches his chin, rubs his eyes, and says “Eggs.”

Feeling quite taken, the father leaves. The wife and kids also realize it was a rip-off too.

25 years pass , this time the kids are grown and the now grandparents decide to take their two grand kids to the Grand Canyon again. Seeing the same tourist trap and same signs about the Native American with the world’s greatest memory. Grandpa decides to tell off the chief . Noticing the fee was now $10, he cuts in line ,jumps to the front and suddenly gets fearful again by the sight of the grizzled chief. Nervously , he raises his right hand and says , “How.”

The Indian looks at him and immediately says “ Scrambled.”

[Panoptes]

LMAO @ last two jokes. Especially the plane crash. God, my wife would kick my a$$ if she knew I laughed at that stuff!

What will she think of this one:

Why did God give women small feet?
So they could get closer to the sink.
God works in mysterious ways.

[Panoptes]

Why are Somali wedding cakes made from dung?

To keep the flies off the wedding party.

[Panoptes]

Q: What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?

A: A Dry Martinez

[dwt1]

What will she think of this one:

Why did God give women small feet?
So they could get closer to the sink.
God works in mysterious ways.

Or this one.

Why to tampons have strings?
So you can floss after you eat.

[Panoptes]

ESPN = Especially Stupid Political Numbskulls

[Malto Marko]

This is compliments of Jewlerman, via facebook.

[Marko69]

https://youtu.be/lghIDQSbxw8

[Malto Marko]

Harley Davidson is Closing many of its Plants Due to Declining Sales. Apparently, the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles, and Generation X is only buying a very few, and the next generation, the Millennials, aren’t buying any at all.
A recent study was conducted to find out why?
Here are the reasons why Millennials don't ride motorcycles, and why sales are down:
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
20 It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
22. Their man bun wont fit under a helmet.

[Coop]

What's brown and sounds like a bell???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.DUNG!

[dsred]

That bell sounds like shit.