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  • Off Topic: Joke Thread

    Hmmmm. I can not find the joke thread and am assuming it was lost with some of the others. I got a good laugh out of this and hope you will too.

    One Man's Good Fight
    I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

    The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
    Last edited by Malto Marko; May 25th, 2008, 06:45 AM.
    I long for a Lions team that is consistently competitive.

  • #2
    Mark, In order to read that, I had to copy and paste that in Word, and then enlarge the font. Others may appreciate you enlarging the post's font with an edit.

    BTW, LOL.
    <<< Jana Cova ...again (8 <<<


    • #3
      Done, thanks for the heads up.
      I long for a Lions team that is consistently competitive.


      • #4
        Beautiful. Us crusty old farts need to work as a team.
        <<< Jana Cova ...again (8 <<<


        • #5

          (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
          (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
          (Calculation) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
          Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

          Now think about this:
          (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
          (Yes, that's 80 million..)
          (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
          (Calculation) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188
          Statistics courtesy of FBI

          So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

          Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

          Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
          We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

          Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

          I'm not to blame.

          I voted for the other guy!

          Nov. 2008


          • #6
            Hmmmm. Sounds to me like Congress has to act on behalf of the public to protect us from the Doctors.
            I long for a Lions team that is consistently competitive.


            • #7
              ROBOT LIE DETECTOR!
              John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
              gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
              change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
              It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
              It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
              returned home from school.
              Tommy was over 2 hours late.
              "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked
              John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
              project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped
              Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
              "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
              really were after school."
              "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
              "What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
              "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
              The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
              off his chair once more.
              With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
              lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
              "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
              to my parents."
              The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
              knocked him out of his chair.
              Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
              ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
              your son!"
              With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her
              out of her chair.
              I long for a Lions team that is consistently competitive.


              • #8
                In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louanna Bobbitt, was arrested for trying to perform the same act on her husband as her fameous sister had done several years earlier. Sources reveal her sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh,causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in stable condition, and Louanna has been charged with a misdeweiner.
                "Donít worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright. - Bob Marley "


                • #9
                  Let the apathy flow through you.


                  • #10
                    How to save the airlines.........

                    Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

                    And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

                    Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.

                    Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

                    Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?


                    Bill Clinton
                    I really have no interest in investing my time to come up with something entertaining to ridicule this team
                    In this day and age, the windmills come pre-tilted and the Lions games come as prepackaged losses.


                    • #11
                      A work crew in New York was digging thirty feet down when they found 100 year old copper wire. They determined New York had a phone system over 100 years ago.

                      Then a crew in L.A. dug down 60 feet and found 200 year old copper wire, proving California had phone service 200 years ago.

                      Two Yoopers, Eino and Toivo, heard about New York and L.A. so they went to Toivos house and dug a hole in his back yard over 300 feet deep. They didn't find anything so they concluded the U.P. had already gone wireless over 200 years ago.


                      • #12
                        Two Yoopers, Eino and Toivo, went to New York to see the Pope at Yankee stadium. When the Pope raised one hand toward the crowd, Eino asked Toivo what that meant. Toivo said he was pointing out someone in the crowd.

                        A few Minutes later the Pope raised both arms toward the crowd. Eino asked again what that meant. Toivo told him the Pope just blessed the whole crowd.

                        A few minutes later the Pope pointed his hand toward himself and made the sign of the cross. Eino asked Toivo why he did that. Toivo said "I don't know, I think he's going to shoot a free throw."


                        • #13
                          Dogs rule.


                          • #14
                            good one's Yoop.
                            "Donít worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright. - Bob Marley "


                            • #15
                              St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did
                              you do on Earth?"

                              The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first Non-Christian to be elected President of the United States "

                              St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A Muslim President ? You gotta be kidding me!
                              When did this happen?"
                              And Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."
                              I'm not to blame.

                              I voted for the other guy!

                              Nov. 2008