Joke Thread

[DanO]

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn?t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn?t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don?t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn?t use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"

NICE!!!!!

[Malto Marko]

This is for Wee Marko.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

[DanO]

[Marko69]

Classic, Malto.......,

A favourite soccer joke here back in the late 80's/90's was about Glasgow Celtic and Glasgow Rangers. Little explanation first......, Rangers were owned by David Murray and they were having financial difficulty. Celtic were owned by wealthy businessman, Fergus McCann and were doing ok.

Joke went like this:

David Murray asks manager, Graeme Souness to meet him in his office.....,

David Murray: Ok Graeme. What would you say if I went into this jacket pocket here, pulled out ?25M for you to finish building the stadium. And then I went into the other pocket, pulled out ?40M so you could buy some new players? What would you say to that?
Graham Souness: I'd say you're wearing Fergus McCanns jacket, David.

[entropy]

A couple weeks ago I sent that 'Ancestry' site some of my family tree information and some spit samples...

They sent me back some packets of seeds and said start over...


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[CGVT]

[ame]https://youtu.be/NfN_gcjGoJo[/ame]

[entropy]

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

[entropy]

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

[entropy]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

[DanO]

Heard this joke years ago only it was a Yooper instead of an Arkansas redneck. My parents, and many of my friends parents, used the term. It was used as a place of reference meaning out in the middle of nowhere. When I was a kid and in to my early 20's, I always thought it was a made up term but it's actually a city in Mali in Africa.

[entropy]

Dan.. same here.. I grew believing it was a reference about something being in the middle of nowhere.

[CGVT]

I never thought it was a made up place.

Now, BFE, that is a different story.

[entropy]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[entropy]

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences: The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf. Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become

[entropy]

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team. "I blame the general manager," said the first fan. "If he signed better players, we'd be a great team." "I blame the players," said the 
second fan. "If they made more of 
an effort, we'd score some points." "I blame my parents," said the third. "If I'd been born in Seattle, 
I'd be supporting a decent team."