Joke Thread

[Malto Marko]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your Son,
Johnny

P.S. - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Marko69]

LOL @ last two posts! Very good.

[DanO]

LOL.

[Marko69]

All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces ?we?re just waiting for the pilots.?. The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it?s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says ?you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we?re all gonna die!?

[Sharkbait]

A mother is talking to her two teenage daughters about the facts of life and wanted to be sure they were practicing safe sex. "Oh, don't worry about that," says the first daughter. " I am a lesbian."

Shocked, the mother turn to the second daughter. "Don't worry about me," the second daughter said, "I am a lesbian too."

"Damn, said the mother, "doesn't anyone in this house like dick?"

"Ooooo, I do," said her son.

[CGVT]

Ha!

[YT]

LOL

[Marko69]

Lol, very good.

True story. My ex wife's cousin has three adult kids, two dudes and a women......., all gay.

Edit: Now before I get the gay rights people busting my nutsac for being anti gay, I'm most certainly not........, but that's just unbelievable though eh? What are the chances?

[YT]

That's nothing Marko69.

Three of my ex-gf's are now lesbians.

My sexuality must be like kryptonite to some women.

[Malto Marko]

LOL!

[DanO]

For Marko:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10201721517787785&set=gm.695869830429174&type=1&relevant_count=1&ref=nf

[dsred]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ....

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[dsred]

For years TV ads have made men out to be the dummy compared to their female counterpart.
Male jokes were funny and female jokes were sexist. So I found these to be somewhat refreshing.

A Man's Random Thoughts:


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell
disaster.


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as
she likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"


I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves
breakfast until 11:30.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last
night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.

[DanO]

"I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as
she likes to call it.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
--------------------------LOL.

[DeanUK]

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last
night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

LOL