Joke Thread

[SeattleLionsFan]

I like the keyboard one. Good problem solving skills there.

[yooperman]

A robber walks in a bank and points a gun at the teller. He tells her to fill up his bag with cash, which she does. He then realizes he forgot to pull his mask down over his face, so he does it right away. He then looks back at the people behind him. He asks the first guy "Did you see my face?" The guy says yes, so he shot him.

He asks the next guy "Did you see my face?" The guy says sort of, so the robber shot him anyway. Next, there was an older couple. The robber asks the guy "Did you see my face?" The guy says "No, but my wife did"

[Washington Lions Fan]

I worked technical support for 7 years...many of these scenarios aren't that far off.

[jaadam4]

A robber walks in a bank and points a gun at the teller. He tells her to fill up his bag with cash, which she does. He then realizes he forgot to pull his mask down over his face, so he does it right away. He then looks back at the people behind him. He asks the first guy "Did you see my face?" The guy says yes, so he shot him.

He asks the next guy "Did you see my face?" The guy says sort of, so the robber shot him anyway. Next, there was an older couple. The robber asks the guy "Did you see my face?" The guy says "No, but my wife did"

lol

[yooperman]

Once a Yooper always a Yooper.


GO LIONS "08" !!!!!!!!

Especially yoose guys from Escanaba, eh.

[DanO]

You got it Yoop.

GO LIONS "08" !!!!!!!!

[FVD]

A man is laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seems to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

[King Cole]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is usually the husband. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run,
my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always
had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing,
always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day,
I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of
sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[Washington Lions Fan]

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Ouch...

Hey King, always meant to ask, have you visited the Fire Millen site? I see you have our logo as your avatar....

[King Cole]

Ouch...

Hey King, always meant to ask, have you visited the Fire Millen site? I see you have our logo as your avatar....

ummmm not since I stole the pic

[foxhopper]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and they finally decide it's time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the man decides it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked hopefully.


"Well", she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The man sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked, "Is that one word or two?"

[DeanUK]

Fine, fine... go Russia.

Sorry Frank, time for a new lady, you can pick between Spain (Russia's conquerers) or Germany. Whatever you do though, don't put that picture of that funny looking guy up again :smile:

[-Deborah-]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and they finally decide it's time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the man decides it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked hopefully.


"Well", she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The man sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked, "Is that one word or two?"

lol

[Washington Lions Fan]

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weired.

We had mad plans to meet a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long so I though he was upset at the fact I was a bit late, but made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but didn't say much. I asked what was wrong and he said "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do woth me and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed too. To my suprise, he responded to my caress and we made love. But I still feel he was distracted and his thought were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Harley wouldn't start today. But at least I got laid!

[DeanUK]

Some jokes by one of my favourite comedians a guy called Tim Vine, a lot of groaners!! Hope not too much is lost in translation


"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.