DSL's Movie/TV Reviews and Discussion

[Hannibal]

Foodfight! (2003? 2012?)
d. Lawrence Kasanoff
Starring: Charlie Sheen, Eva Longoria, Wayne Brady, Hillary Duff, Christopher Lloyd, Larry Miller

This might be the worst thing I've ever seen. Well, half-seen. I have a high tolerance for awful shit and I couldn't make it through this. I quit a half hour in.

The animation is atrocious. The jokes are godawful and a lot of the humor isn't even child-appropriate. It's a fucking mess.

I follow a few bad movies podcasts/shows and this has popped up a few times as one of the worst things ever made so I was curious enough to watch part of it on Youtube. I highly recommend never watching any of this but if you're THAT curious, look for it on YouTube. For God's sake do not spend a dime to see it.

The backstory is a lot more interesting than the thing itself. How did this cost over $60 million to make??? How did they get so many well-known people to do voice acting?? Supposedly back in 2002, a great deal of the computer animation was "stolen" on a hard drive and never recovered. Almost a decade later the "film" was released with substitute animation inserted. It's AWFUL. But better animation wouldn't fix the script which is loaded with non-clever sexual innuendo, Nazi allegories, and corporate product placement (Imagine a version of Toy Story where product mascots like Charlie Tuna and Mrs. Buttersworth come to life when humans aren't around).

This looks about on par with the direct to video Barbie shit that my daughter used to watch.

[Dr. Strangelove]

Damn.

80’s icon Tanya Roberts died today at 65. Supposedly she went for a walk on Christmas Eve and collapsed when she got home. Had been in the hospital ever since but passed today. Not covid related.

[iam416]

Every time I see I new post in this shithole I get my hopes up that it’s finally the long-waited Congo review. It’s the best few seconds of my forum experience.

More disappointment.

TBF, your last review, while truncated, was still quality.

[Mike]

I thought you were waiting for him to review Operation Dumbo Drop so the plot twists could be explained to you.

[iam416]

I am.

[froot loops]

Wikipedia does a pretty good job of it if DSL is making you wait.

[AlabamAlum]

Do you review historical documentaries? If so, I recommend Braveheart. It is a100% factual account of the First War of Scottish Independence. I think the tyrant King Edward I and England are treated a bit too softly and William Wallace isn’t deified quite enough; but otherwise, this is a faithful and unbiased recounting of history.

Verdict: Recommend

[iam416]

National Treasure is even more historically accurate and certainly merits a review.

[THE_WIZARD_]

unbelievably horrible

[Dr. Strangelove]

1995-congo-poster1.jpg

CONGO (1995)
d. Richard Marshall
Starring: Laura Linney, Dylan Walsh, Ernie Hudson, Tim Curry, Joe Don Baker, Bruce Campbell

From the same minds that brought you the Star Wars reboot comes this inside look at the Telecommunications industry.

Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds! Who's got the diamonds?! That's what MCI CEO Joe Don Baker wants to know. When his son (Bruce Campbell) quickly exits the film after reading beyond page 2 of the script, Baker demands tech guru (?) Laura Linney go find the diamonds he was looking for in Africa.

In a separate storyline a Professor named Peter Elliott is also looking for a free trip to Africa. I believe he is a Robotics Professor of some type because he is always carting around a goddamn robot gorilla that doesn't like women but does love booze. He teams up with Linney and Tim Curry, who appears out of nowhere and is doing an accent that's a cross between Bela Lugosi and Nikita Khrushchev. Peter's TA or whatever he is also decides to tag along because we're going to need at least a few named characters to kill off later on.

So they fly to Africa, figure out Tim Curry is a sleazeball, and meet Ernie Hudson who is a "great white hunter" and will serve as their guide into the jungles of wherever. After a sequence of bribing various African despots and enjoying sesame cake they have an expedition in place. They reenact the Jungle Ride at Disneyland, have some fun and lighthearted adventures, but eventually we come to discover that the world's best diamonds are housed at the Lost City of Zinj and are guarded by demonic apes released from Hell when Bruce Campbell read the wrong page of the Necronomicon back at the beginning of the film.

At this point the cast has been whittled down down quite a bit and they find the diamonds, perfectly cut and shiny, just lying out in the open on a set that looks like a zoo habitat. Gee what could live those hundred cave doors everywhere around the room? Ah who cares, start picking up diamonds. But holy jesus fuck, the hellspawn apes pop out and crush Tim Curry's head.

I already posted the clip of what happens next and don't think I need to reiterate how stupid it is. Laura Linney smacks a couple rocks together and voila, has a laser gun. And then Robogorilla scares off two dozen Hell Apes all bigger than her. Then Hell itself bursts forth from the earth to reclaim its servants and those apes not lasered get engulfed by CGI magma. It's a cinematic tour de force. They all escape in a hot air balloon but not before Joe Don Baker videoconferences them and throws a fucking fit over the diamonds. Laura Linney sabotages whatever the point of this all was, setting back BlackBerry development a decade or more. Amy the robot returns to her kind.

Kind of goes without saying that this movie sucks. I think we all agree on that. The two leads can actually act, but they are terrible in this. I had forgotten more of the movie that I realized. I remembered Ernie Hudson, Tim Curry, the fucking awful gorilla, and the ridiculous ending. But i remembered nothing about the reason they were looking for the diamonds to begin with. When Joe Don Baker showed up right at the beginning I was like "Wha-? You're in this?". And the same year as Goldeneye too. Which also involved satellites and laser bullshit. '95 was a good year for ol' Joe Don.

Had Jurassic Park not already existed, this movie might not seem quite so bad. But the only reason this movie exists is to cash in on the popularity of Crichton's books in the wake of JP, so it's a catch-22.

[iam416]

Fantastic. Stellar work. Both Campbell references are A+.

[WingsFan]

Watch 'Unhinged' a Road Rage movie yesterday. The maniac - I though I seen him before, for the first 10 minutes (though he did have sunglasses on). Then I did the "Is That ?" Yes, LLoyd's old buddy Russel Crow, im sure he put weight on for the role ... but still hard to recognize .


NINTCHDBPICT000508500045.jpg

[Dr. Strangelove]

Fantastic. Stellar work. Both Campbell references are A+.

Thanks. I bumped a pair of Captain America TV movies to review that shit instead.

[AlabamAlum]

Any word on the Braveheart review? It’s essentially Citizen Kane in a kilt.

[Dr. Strangelove]

Please refer back to my description of the life of "Rob Roy".

Sláinte!

Dr. Strangelove