Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Malto Marko]

Thems fightin' words

He takes a swing and........ohhhhhh, that had to hurt! Looked like he was going to connect one right on the chops and his fist went right through the aberration and into the cement blocks. Ghost Kansas is just standing there with a huge shit eating grin on his face. Meanwhile, Sweatpants looks like he is in excruciating pain!

[Sweatpants Murphy]

That's ridiculous, I'd never throw a punch at a ghost. I'd use the proton pack.

[Deuce]

That's ridiculous, I'd never throw a punch at a ghost. I'd use the proton pack.

There is a disproportionate amount of Bill Murray avatars on this forum.

[Sweatpants Murphy]

I get first dibs...he and I share a birthday.


also, this is only until someone brings Kansas back to life.

[Sharkbait]

So, like Brett, there is hope he'll be back, ... wait,.....that didn't come out right.
Never mind.

[Sweatpants Murphy]

as soon as we can afford billywitchdoctor.com we can bring him back to life

[DanO]

"Looked like he was going to connect one right on the chops and his fist went right through the aberration and into the cement blocks."
---------------------HuH????

GO LIONS "09" !!!!!!!!!

[Coop]

*boom*

Kansaw returneth

[Panoptes]

WTF!

I go away for a few days and KANSAS is now dead?

[Kansas]

http://coedmagazine.com/2009/07/31/rosters-of-the-2009-lingerie-football-league-teams-pics/

The Lingerie Football League is preparing for its inaugural season. This is the play-by-play guy at the first Lingerie football game.

Maybe.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the opening game of the Lingerie Football League featuring the Miami Caliente versus the Philadelphia Passion. I've been watching these young ladies during pre-coital foreplay...oops, heh heh...I mean, pre-game warmups...and let me tell you I am very, very excited. [awkward silence] To be here. Verrrry excited to be here, becauuuuse...um...I was gonna say...um...oh yeah, because the girls definitely appeared to be very athletic, talented and prepared when I was...uh, ya know...watching them...um...warm each other up.[cough] Oh! And they are very talented at the various positions...um...on the field. Ya know, like quarterback and running back and stuff.

OK, it looks like we're ready for the opening lickoff. Kickoff. I mean kickoff. The Caliente won the toss and...did I say salad toss? No? Whew...OK, the Caliente won the toss and will be receiving while the Passion will be giving...um, I mean licking...I mean kicking! Oh brother. [wipes brow]

And here's the kick. It's taken at the 15 yard line by Rachel Johnson. A Hooter's waitress and bikini model, and...oh!...she is gang-banged at the 33 yard line...tackled...gang-tackled and goes down...should I say goes down? Probably not? OK...she is brought down at the 33 yard line. The Caliente offense is coming on the field. Well, they're running...[cough]...yeah, they're running onto the field to take their first position...possession...first possession of the evening. [wipes sweaty palms on pants]

As they approach the line of scrimmage it looks like it's going to be a passing play as the receivers are split wide...I mean...wait...no, that's OK...the receivers are split wide. The quarterback slides under...[loosens tie]...slides under center and takes the snatch. Snap! Takes the snap. She fires a pass downfield and it is........caught!.......It's caught by Cinnamon Anderson, and she is taken from behind...down...taken down from behind at the 69 yard line. Heh heh. I mean, the 49 yard line cuz there's no such thing as the...[ahem]...69 yard line. But, folks, lemme tell you that was a spectacular ass and an even better kootch. Um...uh...replace ass with pass and, ya know, kootch with catch and...um...is it hot in here?

The Caliente cuddle up...huddle up...to call another play. They come set at the line of scrimmage and here's the play. It's a running play up the middle and...oh!...she is met hard in the hole by the middle linen soaker...loin smacker...I mean, linebacker! Oh gawd. Can we go to commercial? I have to clean up.

[chemiclord]

Well, think of it this way...

It can't do worse than the XFL.

[Kansas]

Inside The Mind of Brad Childress At Vikings Training Camp



"OK, guys! Two-minute drill! Let's go!"

Geezus, I'm screwed. No Favre, TJack's out with a knee, and all I got left is Rosenfels and Booty. Giving these guys reps is like giving acting lessons to Kevin Costner. A complete waste of fucking time. Not that having TJack would make any damn difference. I mean, he's probably better than these two schlubs, but I don't think anybody in the huddle can understand a gawddamn word he says. If I don't ask him a yes or no question then I'm staring at him, trying to read his lips like I'm Marlee freakin' Matlin. His english makes Leon Spinks look like James Lipton. I thought he was from Alabama not outer fuckin' space. Uh oh. Rosenfels is getting ready to run the 2-minute drill. I can't wait. Here's his first pass.

Holy shit. That pass looked like a drunk Weeble. When it hit the ground I'm surprised a Black Lab didn't run out there and retrieve it just out of instinct. This is torture. I wonder if I should go over there and give him some instruction. Ya know, coach him up a little bit. Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? Might as well coach a chimp how to kick field goals. God, I'm screwed. I'll be fired before we play our 3rd game.

"Come on, Sage!"

There. Now that's what I call coaching. Encouraging yet stern. OK, 2nd and ten. Let's see what this pass looks like.

Oh. My. God. Now that one? That one looked like a gawddamn helicopter. That one took the term "wobble" to a whole other plane. If we were in Iraq, terrorists would've shot RPGs at it. I hope like hell Ashton Kutcher runs out from behind the maintenance shed and tells me I got punked, cuz this shit can't be really happening. Man, I really like Ashton Kutcher. He was terrific in that show about the 70's. What was that show called again? Hmmmmm......darn it. I can't remember. Anyway, it was that 70's show where he played that kid who......what the hell am I doing? Come on, Brad. Focus.

"Go get 'em, Sage!"

Excellent coaching right there. OK. 3rd and ten. God help us, we're gonna go deep here. Please, Sage, give me some ray of hope. OK, here we go.

What the...? That ball actually fluttered to the ground. It looked like he threw a fuckin' napkin. It should've been picked but everyone was staring at it like it was a rare butterfly or something. Where the hell did we find this guy? The way he throws the ball the only way he could've played in college is at some really shitty school like...oh, I dunno...like Iowa State. Oh, that's right. HE DID! Did anything good ever come from the state of Iowa? Corn, maybe. Corn comes from Iowa. I like corn. Mmmmmmmm, corn on the cob. With loads of butter dripping off it. I don't like those poker thingies you stick in the end of the cob to hold it, though. Huh uh. I use my fingers. Those poker thingies are for puss.....wait a minute. What am I doing? Come on, Brad. Get it together. Gotta concentrate.

"That's better, Rosey! Atta boy!"

Coach of the Year stuff right there. Too bad I'll never get it, because there's no way I'm going to win with one of these dick pimples behind center. OK. It's 4th and 10. If Rosenfels doesn't complete this pass I swear to God I will cut him in half with the edge of a coin. It's possible. I saw it on CSI-Miami. Haha! I heard that joke last night on a Mad TV rerun. That black guy was dressed up in those old coaching shorts from the 80's and he was yelling at this high school basketball player and.........I wonder why those coaching shorts went out of style. I really liked those. Very comfortable and.......oh! Here's the next play.

Holy mother of God. That was a knuckleball. He just threw a freaking knuckleball! How in the hell can you throw a knuckleball with a gawddamn football? I mean that took a unique combination of horrible mechanics and shoddy footwork the likes of which may never been seen again. That thing could've struck out Albert Pujols. Man, that Pujols can hit. He can actually win the Triple Crown, and that hasn't been done in like 40 years or some shit like that. That would be cool. Maybe after I get fired from here, Albert and I could become friends. Yeah. I could drive down to St. Louis...

"Great job, Sage! Lookin' good, kid! Ok, Booty! Your turn!"

...on the weekends and drink a beer with him on his back porch......or maybe in front of the fire depending on what time of the year it is. And then his wife and my wife can go shopping and get manicures together and stuff. Wait a minute. Is he married? I really don't know. I'll have to find that out before I become friends with him cuz that would be a little awkward. I wonder if he plays Scrabble or Yahtzee. Cuz I really like those games, blah, blah, blah

[-Deborah-]

"Come on, Sage!"

There. Now that's what I call coaching. Encouraging yet stern.

lmao

[Kansas]

This pre-season preview is for the unshakable optimists amongst us. Those that are either too young yet to be hopelessly jaded, or those who have an incredibly high bullshit tolerance. As is probably known to all of you, I fit neither category. However, if all the cornbread I ate and kool-aid I drank in my younger years would have been shipped to the malnourished overseas, then Somalia would be right now in the midst of an obesity epidemic.

So, Lions faithful, if you can sit through a Lions game without the 50-year stare, then read on you starry-eyed dreamers. The rest of you.........cover your eyes and turn away now.

Let's begin this Lions love-fest by blotting out any memory of last season. Let's face it; last season was a total abberation in the storied history of Lions football.......well......any team's football. But that doesn't matter! Instead of dwelling on that, we should recall all of our fond memories of the many other Lions seasons we have been blessed to witness over the last half-century. Well, our one fond memory. OK, a memory. Now let's take a moment of silence, close your eyes, and think longingly on that one memory.

Finished? Good. Now that you're in the right frame of mind and teetering on the edge of Lions zealotry, let me push you all the way over by telling you unequivocally that the Lions will not only win the division this season, but they will go on to win the Super Bowl!

Crazy, you say? I beg to differ. The reasoning behind my somewhat stunning (to the ignorant) prediction of a Lions Super Bowl is totally obvious to anyone with half a brain or less. OK, I might have phrased that wrong. But anyway, for those of you with more than a half a brain, let me go on to explain why the Lions will complete the most incredible one season turn-around in the history of sports. Here we go.

The Owner: William Clay Ford, Sr. is without a doubt the best and brightest owner in the NFL. No one loves his team more and makes sounder decisions than this future Hall-of-Famer. Prior to this season WCF completely cleaned out the previous front office that led to last year's below-average record. Well, OK. He didn't completely clean it out, but he feather-dusted the shit out of it. For instance, he actually fired football expert and personnel guru Matt Millen. A move so bold and unexpected that no one living in a Maasai village could have predicted it. Then...then!...he showed the insight and foresight and all the other sights I couldn't find in the Thesaurus to promote the remaining staff into positions they didn't earn and have no experience at! I mean, honestly.....<shakes head in awe>.....it is this type of outside-the-box thinking that makes mere mortals such as ourselves not even worthy to breathe the same air. He truly is the Hugh Hefner of the NFL.

Front Office: The new used front office is full of the most experienced, talented and savvy football people in the league today.....and it smells like Lemon Pledge. Tom Lewand does something that I'm sure is very vital and necessary since I've heard his name before and he was hand-pickedpromoted by the infallible WCF. Rather than look up what his actual job function is, I'm going to rely on something I may have read somewhere and assume that he handles the business part of the organization which would require an extensive knowledge of...um...business stuff, like accounting and money and things. I have a seriously tenuous grasp on financial-related matters, but I do know a bank teller who I have not spoken to at all about this, so I am confident in saying that Lewand is without a doubt the best at whatever he does in the entire world. The new General Manager is Martin Mayhew. Like Lewand, Mayhew was languishing in a lower-tier position that did not fully utilize his incredible talent for player evaluation. Like any great executive, WCF recognized this immediately after 6 years and gave him full control over personnel and football matters. It is hard to second-guess this decision after Mayhew's concensus A++++++ draft and free agency period. With Mayhew at the helm, next April we will all hear, "With the 32nd pick in the NFL draft, the Detroit Lions select...."


Tomorrow: Coaching Staff, Offense, and Defense.

[MiamiTreo3]

And TopWeasel exclaims "Finally!!! Someone understands!"