Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[YT]

Glad you're back Kansas

[Newbomb Turk]

bandwagon fan........

[Malto Marko]

Your dog must have hit Nebraska.

[Kansas]

bandwagon fan........

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH11!!!11!!1!

Now THAT's funny!

[MiamiTreo3]

Good to see you return, Kansas

[Kansas]

POST SEASON RECAP

Well, at least the Lions were entertaining to watch this year. Unlike when Marinelli was doddering along the sidelines blurting out the occasional, "GET OFF MY LAWN!...mutter,mutter,damn kids,mutter,mutter."

Here's an interesting tidbit I just found out about last season. Before the Lions went on their 4 game win streak, I apparently had the same record. Yeah, I guess last year I was 2-10 at giving my wife an orgasm. If not for Dirty Dancing and a shirtless Patrick Swayze doing Tae Chi by the side of a lake, I'm told it would've been 1-11.

Honestly though, I don't feel that record is an accurate reflection of my performance. It's certainly not due to a lack of effort or "want to". I mean, I tried. Hard. I sweated. I panted. I.....I.....I thought about baseball. And I trained, on my own, like.....every day since I was about thirteen. Sometimes twice a day. And I studied film. Lots of film. Hard drives full of film. Hell, I'm a regular Peyton Manning in the film room my basement.

Unfortunately, all that hard work just didn't translate into a lot of O's.....um.....for her. *cough* But I'm gonna keep battling. I won't give up. Cuz on any given second Tuesday of each month give or take, anything can happen. And sometimes, like a Greg Jennings bobbled pass, the AMC Movie Channel can turn the tide in your favor.

Ironically, my wife mailed in twelve disinterested, uninspired, lackluster performances last year and went a perfect 12-0 at getting me off. Man......she's good.

What else happened last season? Matthew Stafford proclaimed he wasn't injury prone. That's sorta like Perez Hilton saying he's not fellatio prone.

Perez: "Naw, man. Seriously, I just tripped and then my mouth accidentally fell on this guy's dick a buncha times."

I mean, I'm not a smart guy, but "prone" means to.....um.....to.....

/looks up prone in the dictionary

to have the ventral part downward. Shit.

/looks up ventral in the dictionary

Well, it doesn't say anything about tearing up your shoulder over and over and over again, so Stafford may be right. However, I
did hear thru a confidential source I just made up that Stafford was finally placed on the IR when somebody tapped him on the
shoulder to get his attention. HEY-OH!

Uh oh. Here comes the boss. More tomorrow.

[MiamiTreo3]

LOL. Really glad you're back!!!!

[Coop]

guessing in the breahtaking season 4 game finale....Kansaw found......

viagra? cialis? some gay porn lent to him by Turkish?

[DeanUK]

guessing in the breahtaking season 4 game finale....Kansaw found......

viagra? cialis? some gay porn lent to him by Turkish?

Orgasm by proxy??

[Malto Marko]

LMAO at the youngster.

An opportunity to go a perfect 12-0 in a single year? ..........Priceless!!

I guess I would be happy with 2-10 also. Just happy for the opportunities!!!

[YT]

At least Kansas was able to participate as opposed to standing on the sidelines with a clipboard

[Kansas]

Lions Post-Draft Coaches Meeting

Gunther: ...und zen ve vill crush zem! Ve vill crush zem like za cockroaches under za heel uff my jackboot! Zey vill not score. Not eins point. NEIN! (slaps riding crop into palm)

Linehan: (whispers to Schwartz) How long has he been like this?

Schwartz: (whispering) Since right after we drafted Fairley.

Gunther: (paces back and forth with hands clasped behind back) Und Ve vill attack. Ja, ve vill attack vithout mercy. Und zey vill haf nein idea frum vich direction ve are comink frum! Ve vill come frum za middle. Ve vill come frum za right. Frum za left! VE VILL FEINT UP ZA MIDDLE UND COME FRUM ZA LEFT AND ZA RIGHT UND ABOVE UND BELOW ALL AT ZA SAME FUCKINK TIME!! (slaps riding crop against leg)

Linehan: (looks nervously at Schwartz) Should I call somebody?

Schwartz: Like who?

Linehan: Mental help.

Schwartz: Nah. He's just jacked up a little bit.

Gunther: Za blood uff our opponents vill run like za Rhine. (steps up to the podium and firmly grasps the sides, glaring) Und ve vill break bones. Ja, ja. Und ve vill collapse lungs. Ve vill bruise kidneys. Und crush skulls! Ve vill disfigure zem so badly ZAT EVEN ZAIR OWN FRAULEINS VILL NOT BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE ZAIR FACES!! (pounds podium) Und zen.....zen ve vill be hailed as heroes in za Fatherland.

Linehan: (to Schwartz) The Fatherland?

Schwartz: Detroit.

Gunther: Und zey von't even call us a defense. Nein! Becuz VE, VE! vill be za ones on za offensive. Ve vill be a gawddamn juggernaut! Und Suh? Hahahaha. Hahahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHA! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Linehan punches in 911, finger hovering above "send" button)

Gunther: He vill play za 3-technique, za 5-technique, za 7, za 9.....I VILL HAF HIM PLAY za 100-TECHNIQUE IF I VISH IT! (pounds podium with shoe)

Linehan: (to Schwartz) There's no such thing as a...

Schwartz: Let him go, he's on a roll. (Leans forward in his chair listening intently)

Gunther: Zen I vill bring him on a safety blitz! Und zen a corner blitz. Und zen a zone blitz! Und a straight blitz vith a corner und safety blitz und zone blitz at za same time! VITH A STUNT! It vill be a fuckink blitzkrieg!! It vill be vunderbar!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHA...

Schwartz: Und zen?

Linehan: Ah, now you guys are really startin' to creep me out.

Gunther: (quickly snaps head to look into Schwartz's eyes) Und zen? Ja, ja. Und zen ve bring za pain. Und ve vill be vading ankle deep in quarterback goo. Ve vill dine on zair entrails like rabid vare-vulves.

Schwartz: And Jay Cutler?

Gunther: Pffft. Fuckink dead man.

Schwartz: Aaron Rodgers?!

Gunther: (glares murderously) MAIMED UND ZEN DEAD! UND WHOEVER ZA FUCK IS PLAYINK QUARTERBACK FOR THE FUCKINK VIKINKS?!?!?

Schwartz: DEAD!!!!!

Gunther: NEIN! SLAUGHTERED! VE VILL RIP HIS HEAD FRUM HIS SHOULDERS UND USE HIS BLOOD FOR EYE BLACK UND HIS INTESTINES TO SKIP ROPE IN GLEE!!!!! AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Schwartz: (jumps up) Sieg fucking Heil! (starts goose-stepping around room)

(Linehan hits "send")

[LightninBoy]

wow. I had to wipe away tears I was laughing so hard.

[-Deborah-]

LOL! Kansas that was awesome. Can totally imagine that scene and could hear the voices perfectly.

[Panoptes]

KANSAS,

You damn near got me fired today because I took a look at your post while I was at a off-site seminar (with my quasi-boss in attendance but not sitting with me) and because I could not stop reading the script, I had to recompose myself on more than a few occasions to the dismay of several stuffy suit types around me.

F them.

Heil GUNTA!

pands

This latest chapter addition is top shelf stuff bro. FN hilarious.

I would suggest someone forward that to GUN for a great laugh but I can't recall at the moment if his family fled Nazi Germany or not. So maybe it wouldn't be too funny to him if that were the case. (im too lazy to wiki his story again)