Diary of a Madman---a collection of KANSAS' rants

[Panoptes]

KANSAS,

The best Italian food in SD is located near the Gas Lamp district in "Little Italy". Look for a joint called Fillipi's Pizza Grotto. There is usually a line out the door for a chance to eat at this little restaurant.

[JERRY F BOULDIN]

MY great friend PAT BURNS
dines there often.

[Lions West Coast]

Careful Kansas. It's probably a gay bar !

The last time I was in San Diego was several years ago for New Year's Eve, which was, in fact, spent mostly in a gay club. Other than one guy in our group getting a bit freaked out, we had a great time. It was an interesting contrast to what is largely a more conservative part of the state.

[Kansas]

Welcome to the first annual Lions Roast. I?m your Roast Master, Kansas, and I?m here today to make fun of everything Lions. It?s an easy job, but it pays nothing. So let?s get started. As I look across the dais, I see that everyone from the Lions organization is here today.

There?s William Clay Ford, Sr. ? the owner of a team that hasn?t won anything notable since the Edsel was rolling off the assembly line. Willy, if it really is true that you want to see the Lions play in and win a Super Bowl, then I have one word for you???????Cryogenics. Give Junior the thumbs-up to put your severed head in the freezer for a millennium and maybe by then medical science and nuclear accidents in the other 15 NFC cities will allow you to realize your dream. It?s pretty unbelievable, isn?t it, Willy? In over 40 years of your owning the Lions, they?ve won exactly one playoff game. I?ve heard the proverbial ?even a blind squirrel can find a nut once in a while? - but, geez - your team takes it to a whole other level. Not only is your squirrel blind, it?s quadriplegic. A nut would actually have to fall out of a tree and land in its mouth.

And then there?s the architect of this juggernaut, Matt Millen. His job performance has been so bad he makes sideline reporter Eric Dickerson look like Edward R. Murrow. I thought the only way you could totally suck at your job and still make $5 million a year was to be the sister of Jessica Simpson. Before you draft a receiver in the first round next year, Matt, please do us all a favor and have your team doctor perform a DNA test to make sure the Whiner gene isn?t present. ?I wanna play flanker, WAAAAH!? ?Don?t yell at me, WAAAAAH?. I haven?t seen that much whining and crying since Nancy Kerrigan got her knee whacked. They don?t have a bye week; they have their menstrual cycle. In your defense, Matt, you have done a pretty good job of assembling talent. Too bad your coaches have the combined number of testicles as Lance Armstrong and Tom Green.

And speaking of your coaches, Head Coach Steve Mariucci and Defensive Coordinator Dick Jauron are on the dais. Hey, Mooch! The 1920s called, and they want their playbook back. Good grief. The ending to Cinderella was less predictable than your offense. Before the season started, you were really weirdly comparing the Lions rebuilding effort to planting a bamboo seed, and watering it, and watering it, and watering it, until 5 years later you have a 90 foot bamboo tree. Umm????..wow????..electro-shock therapy anyone? I hate to say it, but you have the green thumb of an Ethiopian farmer. You could kill a cactus. And, um, work on your analogies or study Confucius or something. Like this, ?Confucius say, man who force square offensive philosophy in round quarterback butthole make quarterback have happy feet.?

And Dick Jauron, you?re kind of off the hook after the Tampa Bay game. But after the Chicago game, I was going to say your guys couldn?t mount a defense if it was in heat. But Millen either gave you sex change or a whizinator, because somehow you managed to call a game with some semblance of a penis this week. You do, however, need to have your guys work on their blocking skills. After a pick or fumble recovery in your opponent?s territory it is simply unacceptable to not get in the endzone and turn the ball over to Jason Hanson, I mean, Joey Harrington.

Joey?s on the dais, hoping I?ve ran out of material and won?t mention him. Sorry, bud. Is it true that you were turned down for the Levitra commercial because you couldn?t throw the ball through the tire hanging from the tree? Your accuracy is so poor the ground is writing a book titled, ?Just Throw Me The Damn Ball!? Roy Williams said that you and the receivers are on the same page, but you?re just not on the same line. From what we?ve seen, you guys wouldn?t be on the same page or line if it was, ?See Spot run.? I?m not saying it?s all your fault????.but it is. Come on, Joe, throw us a bone here????I mean, overthrow us a bone here. Sure, you drove down the field against the Bucs and woulda, coulda, shoulda had the game-winning touchdown. But before that, your feet were doing things in the pocket I haven?t seen since a 1972 American Bandstand dance-off.

I am and always will be a true blue, fanatical Lions fan, and I will always keep the faith and wait for that one blessed day when the Lions win a Super Bowl. You can make your donations at ?Freeze_My_Severed_Head.com?. Thank you, and good night

[-Deborah-]

I thought the only way you could totally suck at your job and still make $5 million a year was to be the sister of Jessica Simpson.

lmao!

I donated to your severed head, K...God speed!

[iversonballhogg]

LMAO !! Kansas, you truly are great bro. I needed that after the loss yesterday.

[dsred]

:-D Hilarious!

[Coop]

Kansaw strikes again !!!!!

[Newbomb Turk]

I saw this headline and immediately knew why Kansas has been laying low:

REPORT: BRITNEY SPEARS FEARS RELEASE OF PREGNANT SEX ROMP TAPE...

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2004580002-2005460337,00.html

[Daytona John]

Great stuff Kansas!

More "CC" for you next time we meet.

[Malto Marko]

LMAO Kansaw.

[The Cat]

I have read and re-read all of the posts in here by Kansas. My what great company we keep. And all this time I thought Mitch Albom was the epitome of a great writer. I enjoyed every single post and am really happy this thread was started. The one that hit home for me the most was Kansas' musings on September 2nd, 2003, The expectations of another new season. I think that article described my feelings to a tee.
It has indeed been a long long time in between championships. My first Lions game was the chamionship they won in 1953 over Cleveland. I was also in Briggs stadium for the last championship in 57 when they clobbered the Browns.
While that victory was sweet, what was even better was how the Lions got there. They had a playoff game the week before in Sanfranciso. I remember being glued to the 17 inch black and white Sylvania, cursing the poor reception. It's one of my all time favorite games. As memory serves, (I might be off by a bit), but I do seem to recall that at the end of the first half in this critical playoff game at Kezar, the Lions were down 24-0.
Bobby Lane led them on a miracle comeback in the second half and the Lions wound up winning 31-27. How sweet it was.
There's another thread talking about our worst losses. How about posting our favorite memories. We did this six years ago but I think it bears repeating. God knows we have enough bad memories, how 'bout spreading around some sugar. My favorite game memory was the win noted above, followed closely by our fabulous comeback against the Baltimore Colts, circa 1961. I remember when I first posted my recollection of this event back in '99, Daytona jumped right in and filled up the blanks. (I digress)
This game was in Baltimore and the Colts scored with 13 seconds to go to take the lead. Fans went wild and poured out of the stands to celebrate.
After a few minutes the Public Address announcer urged them to get off the field because the game wasn't over. Following what seemed an eternity the Lions took the Baltimore kickoff and came back to about midfield. With time for only one play, (this was before it was known as a Hail Mary, and long before teams went into prevent D), Earl Morrall reared back and fired a game clinching td, "stunning" the fans in Baltimore. I swear you could've heard a pin drop. I know Daytona remembers that game and can provide more details. The memory gets a little foggy as time goes by and I have moved through my middle years to senior citizenry. But if nothing else, when it comes to titles, I have the pleasure of knowing I was there. With all we've endured since, it can only be said that those of us who are Lions fans have to be the best in all of pro sports. And Kansas, I salute you.

[Daytona John]

Hey Bill. You bring back some fond memories. I remember the S.F./Lions comeback game very well.

I was being punished for another transgression. I had to spend the day in bed. But I sneaked a little transistor radio under the covers and listened to the game.

It was about the most exciting thing I ever listened to besides my girlfriends first orgasim.

Y.A. Tittle throws Alley Oop pass to R.C. Owens-then Lions come back and score and win game and make 57 Championship game-which I attended.

Lord there was some good football played in those days. The players played with pride for bragging rights for their home team-not just for money!

My have times changed.

[Panoptes]

"My have times changed".--DJ

Yeah they have. Your girlfriends first big O moans have now faded to a good old fashioned, "Get off of me!".

[Daytona John]

LOL Gonz.