Joke Thread

[Malto Marko]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

[Marko69]

That's more like it!

[Malto Marko]

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

[Malto Marko]

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

[Marko69]

Post # 2004 Malto

[Malto Marko]

Post # 2004 Malto

Took a bit of time to cross the pond. ;-)

[jaadam4]

Oh man! That potato one is aweome!!

[Malto Marko]

A man calls home and the phone is answered by a 5 year old girl.

The man says "Hi honey, is your Mom near the phone?"

The child answers "No, she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul".

There is a pause.

The man then says "Here is what I want you to do. Put down the phone, go upstairs and knock on Moms door and say Dad's car is in the driveway".

The little girl says OK, then puts down the phone.

After a while the little girl returns and says "OK, I did what you told me."

The man asks "What Happened?"

The little girl says well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no cloths on and slipped and hit her head on the dresser and she is not moving. Uncle Paul jumped out of bed and he was naked too. He jumped out of the window into the swimming pool but I think he forgot you took the water out last week and I think he is dead."

The man says "Swimming Pool?"

Is this 476-3529?

[dsred]

I think it was 867-5309.

[bimmer84]

Ha!

[dpatnod]

Sooooooooooooooo........

I took my daughter and my brother to dinner last night. They were talking about taking one semester and one year respectively of Spanish in high school, and how little they remembered of it. During the discussion, my daughter mentioned that if you spell the word:

S. O. C. K. S.

(say each letter out loud one at a time)

it is phoenetically Spanish for "It is what it is".

I immediately knew I had to let Marko69 know this valuable information.

[entropy]

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey ?Hey! what are you doing?? The monkey says ?Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.?
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ?dry?, and that he?s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, ?What?s the matter with you?!? The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says ?Hey, MONKEY!? The Monkey looks down and says ?FUUUUUCK, DUDE??. how much water did you drink??


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[entropy]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[entropy]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[entropy]

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk