Joke Thread

[dpatnod]

[Panoptes]

[ame]https://youtu.be/eEK14mppkK8[/ame]

[entropy]

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn?t Congress the opposite of progress?

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security don?t like it when you shout ?hi-Jack?.

Q. What?s the difference between a flying pig and a politician?
A. The letter F.

The health service in this country is a disgrace. My doctor told me to run 3 miles a day for a month. I?m now completely lost and 90 miles away from home.

Getting career advice from someone who works as a careers guidance counselor is like getting fashion advice from a homeless person.

[jaadam4]

https://youtu.be/eEK14mppkK8

HA! Man she put a whoopin on that dude!

[Panoptes]

Videos worth a thousand jokes

[dpatnod]

HA! Man she put a whoopin on that dude!

Don't play Mudder....

[DanO]

[Panoptes]

funny as usual entropy

[entropy]

What does an Browns fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
He turns off the PlayStation 3.

[entropy]

[entropy]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[entropy]

DanO's boss called him into his office today.

“We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, DanO,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?”

“Vrooom! Vrooooom!” DanO replied.

[entropy]

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say: ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked: ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said: ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says: ''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said: ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says: ''If it had happened two days ago, I would be dead now!"

[entropy]

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.

"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, "Oh yes", he sighed, "Every time."

[entropy]

What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 45 pounds.

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

45 minutes.