Joke Thread

[Sharkbait]

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed
over a Bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side
lying in Wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
Patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then worm my way up
To two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
Work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
But surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he
asked

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard!

[Darl McrBride]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

...
...
...
...
...

He worked it out with a pencil.

Ugh, I know.

[Sharkbait]

Hear about the constipated crow?

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...

...

...

he couldnt caw caw.

[dsred]

Since we're in "groaner" mode....


1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a
Vampire?
Frostbite.

13.. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea
Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a
Hoover?The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a
Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Is a Texas Tornado And an Alabama Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

[Malto Marko]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom Door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from Within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter With a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you Doing?'





The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years Old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and Leave me alone.'



The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz Coming from the other side of the closed bedroom Door. Upon entering the room, he observed his Daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter Said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this Thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a Husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'



A couple days later, the wife came home from a Shopping trip, Placed the groceries on the kitchen Counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, Of all places, the living room. She entered that Area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, Downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.



The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing Like crazy.



The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'



The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my Son-in-law.'

[foxhopper]

A Louisiana businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what?'
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis.'
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband immediately bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to send it back to its box!
So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got a Voodoo Penis stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!'

The rest, as they say, is history.

[Newbomb Turk]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the s ame elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same damn elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

[DeanUK]

Thanks for 2008 emails

Dear All

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this
past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towelwith every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the R15, 000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me
to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you,

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along
to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I?m filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with an aftershave sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when itbites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice,

I can't even pick up the R50.00 I found dropped in the
car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waitingunderneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing youto grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor?s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beauticians relative once removed.

By the way....a South American scientist after a
lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have
infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the
mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
Regards

[King Cole]

By the way....a South American scientist after a
lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have
infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the
mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late![/FONT]
Regards

LOL

[CGVT]

Breakfast at the Whitehouse

The attractive young waitress asks Dick Cheney what

he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal

and some fruit.'

'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?'

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his

trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this

morning?'

'Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims. 'How rude!

*You're starting to act like President Clinton,' and then

she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.....

'It's pronounced 'quiche'

[Coop]

running out of time for those jokes to remain pertinent...

[Malto Marko]

LMAO CG!

[DanO]

Gridiron Witties

Quotes from past gridiron legends have added to football's lore and should be passed on to today's youth to increase their wisdom.

#1. 'Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas ' Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

#2. 'After you retire, there's only one big event left... and I ain't ready for that.' Bobby Bowden / Florida State

#3. 'The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#4. 'When you win, nothing hurts.' Joe Namath / Alabama

#5. 'Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#6. 'If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, 'Roll, tide, roll!' Bear Bryant / Alabama

#7. 'A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.' Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

#8. 'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.' Woody Hayes / Ohio State

#9. 'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.' Bob Devaney / Nebraska

#10. 'In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.' Wally Butts / Georgia

#11. 'You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.' Paul Dietzel / LSU

#12. 'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.' Bear Bryant / Alabama

#13. When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. 'No, but you can see it from here.' Lou Holtz / Arkansas .

#14. 'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.' Bear Bryant / Alabama

#15. 'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line.' Matty Bell / SMU

#16. 'Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.' Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

#17. 'I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.' Alex Karras / Iowa

#18. 'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

#19. 'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.' Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

#20. 'Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.' Shug Jordan / Auburn

#21. 'They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces.' Darrell Royal / Texas

#22. 'Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#23. 'They whipped us like a tied up goat.' Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

#24. 'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: 'Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good.' Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

#25. 'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.' Bobby Bowden / Florida State

#26. 'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.' Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

#27. After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: 'All those who need showers, take them.' John McKay / USC

#28. 'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.' Murray Warmath / Minnesota

#29. 'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.'Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#30. 'Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.' Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

#31. 'It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#32. 'We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.'Darrell Royal / Texas

#33. 'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.' Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School

#34. 'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad. Darrell Royal / University of Texas

#35. 'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.' Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#36. 'Gentlemen, it is better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football.' John Heisman AUBURN



GO LIONS "08" !!!!!!!!

[Sharkbait]

Wow, Lions qualify for quite a few of those, DanO.

[Malto Marko]

I have never embedded a youtube spot before so you will have to follow the link. This is hilarious!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkgOgssOqss