Joke Thread

[Newbomb Turk]

[Sharkbait]

I have to hold out if she only wants 8 inches.

GO LIONS "09" !!!!!!!!!

Hey, a promise is a promise.

[CGVT]

[CGVT]

Not sure if this one has been posted or not...

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked i f I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant? Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my a$$ and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

[Newbomb Turk]

I'll tell you how bad the economy is . . .It's so bad that . . "



CEO's are now playing miniature golf.


Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.


Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.


Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.


McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer


Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.


A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico .


The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.


People in Africa are donating money to Americans.


Motel Six won't leave the light on.


The Mafia is laying off judges.


And finally...


Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Great news...the guy who made $50 billion disappear will be investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

[CGVT]

Have any of you seen the web site http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/?

If not, check it out. You could spend hours reading. Some funny, funny shit.

(218): I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.

(302): I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.

[Malto Marko]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

[Sharkbait]

LOL, Mark, that's a good one.

[DanO]

LOL.

GO LIONS "09" !!!!!!!!!

[FVD]

Greatest Mugshot Ever:

[CGVT]

Two buddies, Dave and Tom,
are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Dave
throws up all over
himself. "Oh, no...My wife is going to kill
me!"




Tom says,
"Don't worry, pal... Just tuck a
twenty in your top pocket and tell your wife that someone
threw up on you and
gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning
bill."


So they stay for another couple
of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Dave stumbles home and his wife starts to
give him a bad
time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all
over yourself! My God,
you're disgusting!"



Speaking very carefully so as
not to slur his words, Dave says,


"Nowainaminit, I can
e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha
jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy
got ssick on me...he
had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He
said hes was verrry
sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning
bill!"




His wife looks in the top pocket
and says, "But this is
forty
Bucks..."



"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my
pants, too."

[Drew]

That's a great joke. I gotta remember that one.

[Sharkbait]

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said. 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied,'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said.'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Oh, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked,'What ya gonna do with him?' Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off,' The farmer said.'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said,'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with chuck and asked,"what happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said,I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said,'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his Two dollars back.'

[Sharkbait]

Ken was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune someday when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man' he said to her. 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

[Malto Marko]

LOL Sharkey.