Joke Thread

[Tony G]

I was bragging on how my desktop computer is 8 years old and no problems. Two lockups and a blue screen of death within the next week.

[WingsFan]

Funny you mention this. I was bragging last week how I havent puked in over 11 years. Guess what I was doing Wednesday night?

lol Well ... No cold yet :-)

[Marko69]

I was bragging on how my desktop computer is 8 years old and no problems. Two lockups and a blue screen of death within the next week.

A porn issue Tony?

I was doing a maintenance service on a gas fire last week at a clients house. I asked if there were any other gas appliances in the house. She said only the gas boiler (furnace) in the kitchen but that's working a treat. Got a phone call two days later....... Boiler fucked!! Hehehe!! Superb!

[Tony G]

Actually two of the cooling openings were plugged and causing the vid card to run hot

[Malto Marko]

Actually two of the cooling openings were plugged and causing the vid card to run hot

I open my puters up and blow out the debris in the spring when the weather turns nice and in the fall just before it gets cold.

It has saved me a lot of motherboards.

The one I am using as I type is 12 years old and running on Win98SE.

[Tony G]

The inside wasn't bad at all. I t was mostly dog hair on the grille opening

[nhwbrooklyn]

[nhwbrooklyn]

[Malto Marko]

Old Timers' Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!'

[Malto Marko]

.........now, this is funny!



George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he finishes, the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars; so Putin writes him a check for a million dollars.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she finishes, he Devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars; so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he finishes, the Devil informs him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic! He asks the Devil why Bush got to call the USA free.

The Devil replies, "Since Obama became President of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call."

[The Cat]

I like it Mark, but Deb is going to cuss you for not putting it in the politics thread.

[The Cat]

A man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[The Cat]

This is pretty neat reading...........

Where did Piss Poor come from?


Interesting History


They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families
used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken &
sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive
you were "Piss Poor"

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't
even afford to buy a pot, they "didn't have a pot to
piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about
the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by
June. However, since they were starting to smell,
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then
all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so
dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs)
lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs
and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence,








a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had
slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,
so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until,





when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit
the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence
the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in the pot nine days old. Sometimes they could
obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show
off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home
the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high
acid content caused some of the lead to leach into the food,
causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with
tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination
would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and
prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
table for a couple of days and the family would gather
around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running
out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins
and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the
grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins
were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realized they had been burying people alive. So they would
tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
(the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus,someone
could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

--

[bimmer84]

I knew there was a reason to avoid tomatoes at all cost.

[jaadam4]

The old couple at the Tavern was hilarious Malto