Joke Thread

[essek031]

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/8603746/tim-tebow-lost-emails

My favorite: rex ryan: i know a hooker, tits like vince wilfork

[Malto Marko]

I used to love watching Red Skelton.

Someone sent this to me and I thought I'd share it........

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays..

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back..

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen..

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair..

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."..

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off..

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"..

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce..

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'..

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her..

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"..






Can't you just hear him say all of these?









I love it........these were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.






And he always ended his programs with the words...





"Good Night and may God Bless" with a big smile on his face. : )

[Marko69]

LOL. Never saw those before WRMM. They were great. I especially liked the not speaking for 18months, didnt want to interrupt her! LOL, superb.

Have you heard this?:

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.The man sees a very nice looking brown dog sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the dog replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"?10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" The man asks.
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden."

[DanO]

Loved Red. I was a little young for him but I thought he was funny as hell.

Remember his drunk act, Mark? What was the characters name?

How did he sign off every show?

[Malto Marko]

I can't remember the name of the drunk character but I do remember Freddie the Freeloader.

His sign off was

Good night and may God Bless.

[DanO]

"I can't remember the name of the drunk character but I do remember Freddie the Freeloader."
------------------------Freddie the Freeloader wasn't his drunk character? Must be mixing up characters.

[bimmer84]

Crazy Guggenheim?

[bimmer84]

No, that was Gleason.

[DanO]

Clem Kadiddlehopper?

[Malto Marko]

Clem was not a drunk. Red did like to throw his coat back over his shoulders and act like a drunk at the bar. I don't think he ever had a character for him.

[DanO]

Ahhhhhhh well. I liked his show and characters. Just remember loving watching him play the drunk.

[The Cat]

Bimmer...great shot of the squirrels my friend.....I too loved Red Skeleton..Marko to add to his wife lines....Bum Phillips former coach in Houston was once asked why he always took his wife on road trips to which he reportedly responded..."Cause she's too ugly to kiss goodbye."

Here's my contribution .
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[The Cat]

Dano how's the new job? And has anyone heard from Russ????

I wish he'd come back there are a couple around here who after reading some of Russ's stuff would quickly realize they don't know nearly as much about the game as they think they do. ahem! Ah i can say that can't I....this is the joke thread isn't it.

[The Cat]

http://youtu.be/Al2xOOTMmLo

[The Cat]

This was one of Red's dramatic pieces.....It should be viewed by PATRIOTS ONLY!!

http://youtu.be/LPbIls0iOnI