Joke Thread

[The Cat]

Your laugh for the day!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
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1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.


2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n):The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

[Tony G]

good stuff Cat!

[Malto Marko]

Very funny indeed, Cat!

[Kansas]

DanO......, I just sent "Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward" to my son......., he replied, "What??"......., then I said, "Coz that's how I roll"

his instant reply was...., "omg"
then a minute later he replied, "Lmao!"

The funniness eventually got him.

I just sent this to my wife and sons. They're responses are below:

Wife: Are you drinking right now or just bored???

Son #1: Sometimes I wonder if you're really my father

Son #2: You need to quit day-drinking. Seriously.

[DanO]

Those are great Cat.

LOL Mark.

[CGVT]

An old man walks into a pub in Scottland, his feet shuffling, his back bent.
He drags himself onto a stool and orders a beer. Placing the full glass in front of him, the bartender inquires upon his sad face.
The man answers with a smoky and trembling voice and a Scottish accent:
Ah, tell ya man! This pub, this very pub we're just sitting in. I built it, with me own hands! But do they call me MacGregor the Pubmaker? Naa!
See the wall over there, that protects our town? I built it, with me own hands! But do they call me MacGregor the Wallmaker?
And the bridge, you know, that crosses our river, I built it, with me own hands! But do they call me MacGregor the Bridgemaker?

But I tell ya, man! YOU FUCK JUST ONE GOAT!

[Tony G]

and they call you a packer fan......

[Marko69]

Very old, but still very good, CGVT. But two corrections in there if I may.
1/ "With me own hands"......., change "me" to "ma". Using "me" makes it sound like its a goat shagging bastard fi Cornwall, England.
2/ A sheep is always a better shag than a goat!

[CGVT]

Very old, but still very good, CGVT. But two corrections in there if I may.
1/ "With me own hands"......., change "me" to "ma". Using "me" makes it sound like its a goat shagging bastard fi Cornwall, England.
2/ A sheep is always a better shag than a goat!

Ha! I heard this years ago. The guy that told it did it in a very heavy accent, as far as I know pretty authentic, and went into great detail as to how he built everything and then delivered the punchline. (I'm pretty sure he said "ma ooown two haands") I just cut and pasted this version from the net. It has always been one of my favorite jokes.

Speaking of Scottish accents, my daughter was in the school play. It was a farce, The Thirty Nine Steps. It had a Scottish innkeeper and his wife in a couple scenes. There were two jokes based on the characters, one was that the innkeeper was a cheap bastard. I would not have gotten that if it had not been for Marko pointing out the stereotype of the cheap Scotsman. The other was that the innkeeper's wife's accent was so heavy that nobody other than the innkeeper could understand her, but the poor girl playing the wife couldn't do a Scottish accent to save her life. Too bad I didn't know prior to the performance, I would have tried to set her up with a Skype session with Marko...

[DanO]

"Too bad I didn't know prior to the performance, I would have tried to set her up with a Skype session with Marko..."
----------------------Having spoken to Marko and can attest that would have definitely done it.

[Marko69]

I got to work late yesterday.
The boss shouted, "Where the fucking hell have you been?"
"On a course" I replied
"Oh ok, sorry. So how did you get on?" he asked
"Great" I said, "I finished 3 under par."

[YT]

Confucius say never take a sleeping pill & a laxative at the same time

Confucius say tall basketball player who marries midget woman will be nuts over her

Confucius say a man with itchy ass wake up with stinky fingers

[Sharkbait]

Hear about those folks who were blowing up school buses in Nashville.
.
.
.
.
Burned their lips on the tailpipes.

[Tony G]

[bimmer84]

A new scam targeting older men:

(some young ones too)
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it yet.

A 'heads up' for those men who are regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look.) When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No,' but, instead, ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into your vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then, one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Nov. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also, Dec. 1st, 4th, 7th, twice on the 8th, five times in January already, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So, tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $0.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.

So, please, send this on to all older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)